wanderings of a weary mind

how is it fair?

2011-06-29T23:37:00.002-05:00

how is it fair that people who are genuine and caring and worthy of the best lives possible - have their lives taken so horribly and suddenly.

i know that the world doesn't judge one person more worthy over another but these are good people that are being taken - honesty, trustworthy loving people.

i just don't understand it - this is going to sound so stupid - but i should die before any of these people.

i've hurt people - i've been a horrible person - why should someone who has done nothing but serve other people and act so selflessly die?

hello sir, did you get enough to drink? good! please get behind the wheel and drive.

2011-06-29T21:11:00.004-05:00

what possesses people to think it's ok to get behnd the wheel of a car when they have had too much to drink?

i don't get it! i don't understand. it's so easy to call a friend or a cab.

yes i will admit that i have made poor decisions in the past and luckily i have not been hurt or hurt someone else much less KILL THEM

last night some fucking asshole thought it would be a good idea to get in his mercedes - drunk - and go the wrong way down the street and mindlessly hit one of the most kind and selfless men i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. i am so angry and sad and bitter.

this idiot kills someone and is held on only $25,000 bond. are you kidding me?

i just don't get it - i know i never will - but why - why - why - why - this is not the first tome i have lost a friend to a senseless and unfair death this year.

i am just so upset - i've hid it all day - i've masked it - and now that i have Rhys to bed and i sit here in the quiet - the anger is just swelling.

news story here

a fatherly facade

2011-06-19T11:35:00.002-05:00

today is my 4th fathers day - and it's hard. it's so fucking hard today. i don't have Rhys so that's part of it, but i am also just at a low point with my career, my personal life - it's hard not reflect on my mistakes and misfortunes.

but

there is one thing that i am 100% confident that i have been successful at and that's being a dad. i never ever imagined that i could love something so much - so fierce. it is such a remarkable and unexplainable feeling to look down and see this being that you created - that fills your life with so much joy and delight - that all you want to do is reward their life in the same manner. i don't care what happens to me in life - i will die fighting to be the best father and the best friend to my son.

but in that exact order - father first and friend second - my dad had it backwards - he just tried being my friend but was not a father. and i am consistently haunted by this demon that tears at my soul and at times rips it apart.

this is time where i let my guard down and put away the facade that i create more often than not. this is me 100% honest and true

i am extremely insecure - i am scared of honesty - i force myself into trouble because i am terrified of actually being successful.

and as i have become a man and become more cognizant of the type of man i am developing into - i realize that i am dangerously straddling the fence of failure as a father - the failure that my dad was - he failed me as a father - he didn't teach me responsibility, he didn't teach me consequence, what he taught me is how to be charming and liked by everyone.

and what makes today so hard - isn't the fact that i don't have my son - it's the fact that i can't call my dad and tell him i love him and thank him for being such a great dad - but i sit here and struggle with my feelings because while he failed me - he still loved me and because of that i can not hate this man - as much as i want to - i can't.

so what am i going to do? i am going to call him and i am going to tell him happy fathers day. i am going to get over myself and face this fucking demon that has so viciously haunted me for the past 12 years.

being a father isn't right - it's a privilege and it's a responsibility and i thank God for the opportunity to mold and shape the future of a little boy and help turn him into a man who is honest and accountable.

a transcription from my journal

2011-01-29T02:08:00.000-06:00

i sit here at a loss - i sit here broken, frustrated and fucked up - almost beyond repair. but that's the magic of redemption - there is always room for repairs - but not everyone is a handyman - not everyone can just pick up the tools and do it yourself. they just lean on help and pick up the phone and call that handyman to come and fix them.

the problem with this is you slowly become less and less self reliant - you just expect the experts to swoop in a save you.

what happens when you can't afford the experts?

do you just give up - do you throw your hands in the air and just surrender?

or do you pick up what tools you do have and start fixing shit - calling friends to help where they can and with what tools life has equipped them with.

i never thought i would be in this place - this place of absolute self hatred and low confidence.

it's been a slow steady pace of bad luck and mistakes that have gotten me here. but i would have never expected to be 32, unemployed, a single father and homeless. i am concerned about my future - it's not quite what i was expecting. for once i can't plan - i can't dream. i am utterly just STUCK. and i sit here wondering if that has been my problem this whole time. planning too much - dreaming too much. letting my imagination overtake and create fantastical situations and then striving to create a false fantastical life.

that isn't what i ever wanted when i was growing up - plans - just the dreams and letting life take me where it wanted. but i always found myself in the same situation - striving to make everyone else around me happy - to walk on eggshells and never rock the boat. appeasing my audience - never shocking them - except for a few moments when i would freak out and do something impulsive to just make sure everyone knew i wasn't that predictable.

so here i sit - a man - a man who watched his "dream job" slip from his hands - i man who so fiercely wants to be independent but is tied down to too many anchors

for once i think i am being given the opportunity create a new path - or just finally walk down that path that i had originally wanted when i was little boy. a chance to do it my way - to do it without conviction - to start anew and build a life for my son that is excellent and foundation that is solid.

it's going to piss a lot of people off - many will not understand - but i have to pick up these broken pieces and build something different.

i have to quit being a boy and finally be a man - not for me - but for Rhys.

i have wanted to give up on everything so many times these last few months. but he has been my strength - he has been that light that has kept me sane.

few know me - sure many know of me - but hardly anyone really knows me. there are a few and those people knew me before i ever let them inside.

so this is it - this is my declaration of independence - some will applaud - most won't get it .

i don't care.

i want a new me - i want the real me.

the blessing of a curse

2010-09-11T13:46:00.002-05:00

i am cursed and it is in the best of ways. i am cursed with a soul and a heart that is easily moved and affected. the simplest of things can leave me with a neck damp from falling tears. music, art, film, stories. they all encompass me and i become inserted into their notes, words and strokes. i wouldn't trade this curse for anything. i would rather wither away with a heart that pines for my fellow human than to be heartless and selfish and cold.

absurd

2010-06-30T22:20:00.002-05:00

it would have been okay, if no one ever had to talk to each other - or to explain themselves - and if there were altogether other ways of doing things and getting along. but people did have to talk to each other - and make themselves clear - and this was the problem of young robert wier as he tried to walk around a room full of people he knew - half knew, & had just seen, and had never seen before

he did not trust himself; he did not trust his knees or his teeth - or even the coat he was wearing. none of it he trusted - because it was his - and he was absurd

so he walked around the room full of people - in fear of being spoken to by any of them - because then he would have to speak - and say something inappropriate - or even just plain stupid

"i should have stayed at home" he thought - as he held onto his pint glass with his tiny, untrustworthy fingers

so he avoided all eye contact - and managed not to give away his absurdity - and he managed to be ignored throughout the evening

it was as if he wasn't there

it was only on the way home that he began to think - well, that was a shame. and a great loneliness came upon him - and the whole walk home he wished he had someone, - anyone - to talk to

the poetry in the corner

2010-06-25T16:55:00.001-05:00

a poem is like a guitar in that every
now an again you pick it up and
play with it,
and sometimes what
happens is magic, and other times
you force notes together,
and nothing sticks
(except with a poem, you have to screw
the paper up and throw it away, or it will
sit on its desk and haunt you afterwards)

poems are written better drunk,
maybe with a fog of cigarette smoke
hanging above the head of the writer
(this poem is written sober,
and without a hint of nicotine)

poems can rhyme
(but not all the time)

like a flurry of feathers on a kitchen-white
road,
(the fingers crossed and bitten)
a
poem can be
anything at all.

and just like that, everything has changed

2010-06-24T09:55:00.001-05:00

UNLIKE MOST OF MY SILLY STORIES - THIS ONE REALLY HAPPENED

you always hear about people claiming to have had "life-changing" experiences. most of them make the assertion that these pivotal events drastically altered their perceptions of reality and imparted upon them a newfound appreciation for life. up until today, i had always found these claims to be utterly preposterous and probably total horse-shit. well, this morning i had one of my own. today, West Belknap became my road to Damascus.

i was driving to work when i was stopped at a red light along the way. for those of you who aren’t aware; traffic lights in downtown Ft. Worth are abundant. it isn’t uncommon to find yourself sitting at each and every one for 3 - 4 minutes. anyway, as i was sitting there, i observed a late 90s model ford ranger pickup pull up behind me and come to a stop.

my eyes were instantly drawn to the driver of the vehicle. sitting behind the wheel was a gentleman, most likely in his early 30s, wearing a bicycle helmet. now, this wasn’t simply a case of an individual haphazardly tossing a safety helmet onto his head while climbing into an automobile. this thing was buckled under his chin, and that only happens intentionally. which indicates that he actually wanted it atop his head while he drove.

as i’m staring at this guy, trying to figure out why on earth he would have a bicycle helmet on his head inside of a moving vehicle, i realize that he and his wife₁are both eating breakfast in the cab of the truck. but they weren’t eating granola bars, pop tarts or croissan’wiches; they were eating bowls of fucking cereal. read that last sentence to yourself one more time. let it sink in. bicycle helmet man and his wife were having cereal, with milk, in their truck, together, at 7:45 in the morning. oh. my. god.

my entire life up until that exact moment in time instantaneously became completely and utterly meaningless. the planets came into alignment, the universe achieved momentary harmony, the heavens were opened up and i saw the face of god. this was the single greatest moment in the history of human existence. the rise and fall of the Roman empire, the treaty of Versailles, Hank Aaron breaking Babe Ruth’s all-time home run record, the splitting of the atom, the Beatles breaking up – all pale in comparison to this.

my reason for living has been redefined. i have to live in a world where people like this exist. they fall in love, honeymoon, have children, attend PTA meetings and, ultimately, grow old together. knowing that this guy and his wife are flying down the highway at 7:45 in the morning while simultaneously enjoying bowls of captain crunch cereal, makes me feel like my own life has substance. i understand what it all means now. life’s big questions have been answered. birth and death are inconsequential. what matters is the here-and-fucking-now. why waste your time trying to achieve the status quo? if you want to eat cereal, with milk, in your car as you drive to work in the morning, then fucking do it. screw what society thinks. live your own damn life.

can you imagine the events that must have taken place to cause this man to want to wear a bicycle helmet while driving? i can just picture him sitting in front of his computer, printing off page after page of safety specifications for 1998 edition ford rangers, when suddenly it hits him. he tears off the sheet emerging from the printer and races out into the living room to speak with his wife. “fuck everything! fuck j.d. power and associates! fuck side impact safety ratings! fuck passenger-side air bags! fuck the national highway traffic safety administration! and, most importantly, fuck the ford motor company! none of these sons of bitches have done enough to ensure the safety of my head in a high-speed traffic accident! i’m not buying into their bullshit any longer.” *dramatic pause* “take me to the wal-mart, i’m need to get a bicycle helmet.”₂ his wife looks up. she doesn’t ask any questions. she simply says, “ok.” the understanding. the connection. the oneness. my god, it’s breathtaking.

even better still, what about the first night they stayed together? he probably picked her up from the airport (you know, since she was flying in to consummate a relationship that had only existed through yahoo! messenger and Ok Cupid up until that point). they went out for dinner. the conversation was good. senses were heightened. they skipped out on dessert in order to get home in time for the last 30 minutes of Stargate SG1. tension mounted as the episode crept towards its electrifying₃ end. the soft flickering of the muted television set the background for their first intimate encounter. things progressed. they moved to the bedroom. hours flew by as the two of them relieved 53 collective years of pent-up sexual frustration. in the heated sensual struggle, neither of them remembered to set the alarm clock. she wakes up the following morning and, realizing that her flight back to Des Moines departs in a little under 2 hours, shakes him awake and then proceeds to begin frantically packing her suitcase. he gets up, pulls on his trousers and heads for the kitchen. she finishes packing and runs out to find him pouring himself a bowl of frosted flakes.

“what are you doing? we have to leave right now!”

“i know,” he calmly responds.

“but you’ve just poured yourself a bowl of cereal! there isn’t enough time for you to finish it! we have to leave right this moment!”

“i know. i’m taking it with me.” and just like that, her existence was turned upside down. her eyes were opened to a brave new world that she had only previously read about in books. she fell in love.

people like this couple exist. they actually fucking exist. because i now know this, i understand one crucial thing that had never occurred to me before – even i can’t fuck my own life up to the point where i wind up bitter and alone. if a man who wears a child’s safety helmet on his head while driving can find himself a bride that shares his passion for milk and cereal in a moving vehicle, then i sure as hell can find someone. no matter how many relationships i send down the toilet, or how much more obsessive-compulsive i get as the years go on, or how drastically i want to change careers every 3 years, eventually i will find someone who gets me. life just works that way. it has to. the cosmic forces of the universe are pushing us all towards balanced harmony, regardless of how overtly strange we are. there is hope for us all.

this couple has shattered everything that i thought i knew. everything. god, life, death, heaven, hell, why nick drake’s music went so unappreciated until long after his death; it all makes sense now. my god. it’s beautiful.

someone needs to come over tonight and get drunk with me. we'll theorize about anything and everything.

_{1. oh, dear god, please let this have been his wife. i need to believe that these two individuals have pledged to love and cherish one another for their remainder of their natural-born lives.}

_{2. odds are, he isn’t nearly as angry and militant as i have made him out to be. though, one can dream.}

_{3. absolutely nothing about Stargate SG1 should ever be classified as ‘electrifying.’}

fingernail diner

2010-06-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

the boy at the desk, facing a computer, and tapping two-fingered at a keyboard, is eating fingernails for dinner and sipping from a warm glass of cigarette smoke. he does not want to turn around and look at the bed, because there will be no warm, naked person in it. he does not want the record to end, because he will hear the whirrr of his sick stomach. he does not want to look out of the window, because it will be a cat on a fence and a limp sun and a tired wall and a blue window like a sheet of silence. he does not want his time to be over, because it will just be him, facing a computer, not typing two-fingered at a keyboard, and nothing else, nothing else, nothing else.
no fish in the stream,
or flames on the candles,
no teeth in the child's mouth,
or spokes on the bicycle wheel.
the record begins to jump, the watch fizzles and dies, and the boy at the desk types, two-fingered, forever.

untitled story

2010-06-23T23:43:00.003-05:00

so when i get down - like really down - i write - fiction - things that aren't real - but that are an escape - from my own mind.

Untitled

a white-hot bolt of lightning streaked across the sky. thunder rumbled, disrupting the calming rhythm of the falling rain. people were dashing this way and that, trying their best to get out of the rain before the storm took a turn for the worse. the moonless night had an air of danger, and the electricity in the air could make the hairs on the back of a dog stand straight on end.

he sat in his car, gazing up at the dimly lit window. the curtains were closed, and a silhouette was shadowed on the sheer material. he idly drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and hummed along to steve miller’s abracadabra.

she peered out through a crack in the curtains and sighed. another day ended, and another just as grueling scheduled for tomorrow. across the apartment in the kitchen, she heard the tea kettle on the stove began to whistle.

the silhouette moved out of sight. after a long slew of curse words, he started his car and put the engine into gear. “tonight,” he said to the high rise window. “tonight, you will be mine, and there is no escape.” slowly, he pulled away from the curb and down the block, making sure he hadn’t been noticed.

a second silhouette moved into the window, this one a small tabby cat flipping its tail in annoyance at the rain. stretching out on the sill, the feline laid there, bathing itself and jumping at each rumble of thunder and each bolt of lightning.

the cat’s owner moved back to the window. shooing the animal out of the frame, she slowly pulled back the curtains. resting a mug of tea on the sill, she sat back in an easy chair. pulling her legs up underneath her and grabbing her mug, she sat there silently watching the progression of the storm.

sara king, a pretty, 27-year old blonde, sat there musing about her pathetic lack of a social life and pondering the next day’s schedule. as the executive assistant for the vice president of marketing at the largest international manufacturer of computer mice, sara’s days were hectic beyond belief.

she softly sighed, sipped her tea, and looked away from the window. glancing about her small studio apartment, she heaved a mournful sigh of longing. why am i stuck inside when i should be out at the clubs, she thought to herself. and then that familiar ghostly feeling washed over her and she was too scared to even look at the door.

where had her life gone so wrong? five years ago, she’d been happy. at 22, she had just started her graduate studies. she had loved college and, keeping her grade point average about a 4.0, the university had given her a full scholarship with which to complete her master’s degree.

sara’s social life wasn’t lacking then either. she was engaged to a terrific guy that she had been seeing for two years, and her roommate was her best friend. there had been tons of parties, lots of dances, and loads of bonfires. sara was on top of the world and was completely in love with life. nothing seemed like it could bring her down.

then there had been the crash. on the way back from a night of dancing at this exclusive little club her roommate lydia had known of and worked at, her best friend’s date had collided with a station wagon.

the carnage was horrible. the driver’s side floorboard had buckled up under dave’s feet, breaking both his legs. lydia had been thrown forward, slamming through the air bag and into the dashboard, a large piece of windshield piercing her chest. sara suffered a broken neck and leg. her fiancé had been tossed around in the back seat, resulting in various bumps, bruises, cuts, and a broken arm as well.

the station wagon was a heap of tangled rubber and metal. dave had hit it broad side on the passenger side of the vehicle and caved in the passenger side doors. there was blood everywhere and broken glass littered the street.

only the driver of the station wagon had survived. by the time the fire and rescue vehicles had arrived, his wife and three children (they had been on their way home after visiting the wife’s dying grandmother, sara remembered from the civil suit) were declared dead – they had been killed on impact.

the man, a used car salesman named timothy danvers, had pressed charges – alleging everything from speeding to driving under the influence to engaging in lewd and lascivious acts while driving. he was pissed as hell when the cops, finding no evidence of wrongdoing (no one had mentioned that her friend lydia had had her tongue in his ear the moment dave had slammed into the other car), had dismissed mr. danvers’ claims and no charges had been filed.

once he found out they were not being criminally prosecuted, mr. danvers had tried suing them – all of them. he had hoped to find some sort of justice in a jury of his peers.

the civil proceedings were long and drawn out. mr. danvers had paraded a variety of witnesses – everything from psychiatrists to experts on auto accidents – before the jury, hoping to have his point hammered home. his lawyer tried to portray him as the distraught family man who had been destroyed by the tragic deaths of his wife and children, but mr. danvers had appeared hostile and aloof during the entire trial. and, one of mr. danvers’ own witnesses mentioned that, due to the nature of the tire tread on the road, there was evidence mr. danvers was the one who had run the stop sign.

so, again, with no proof of wrongdoing and mr. danvers’ own attitude, the jury had found in favour of sara and her friends.

mr. danvers had been incensed and, on his way out of the court house, had gained the interest of a journalist covering the case by swearing that, come hell or high water, he would have his revenge.

but, that had been five years ago, and sara’s friends had made light of the so-called threat. in fact, dave and steven (sara’s fiancé) had written a skit for one of the drama classes, portraying mr. danvers as nothing but a hot-headed, big talker who couldn’t follow through with anything to save his own life.

sara had acted disgusted at the display, but, deep inside, she had agreed.

shivering, she crossed the short distance from the window to the laptop, switching on the power. she sat down in the uncomfortable wooden chair that sat at her desk and continued to reflect on the past two years as the computer booted up.

three months after the civil suit had been dismissed, sara’s fiancé and soul mate had called off their wedding – had, in fact, left for las vegas with her best friend lydia. he had been seeing lydia off and on for months before the accident behind sara’s back, and they were going to elope. halfway through their trip, they had been killed when a tractor trailer had lost control on the highway and smashed head on into steven’s little mazda.

sara vaguely remembered mourning the loss of steven to lydia, but more than anything, she had mourned the loss of the one stable influence on her hectic life. she had lost her scholarship due to the recovery time needed for her neck to heal. having to move back in with her parents at 24 had been a tough adjustment, and sara had always counted on steven being there for her.

at the funeral, she had stood between dave and beth, lydia’s little sister, without a single tear. she promised to keep in touch with both of them as she walked off to her loaner sedan… a promise she’d intended to keep and never did.

two months after the funeral, she’d gotten the job at lenmore electronics and moved into her current residence. as her duties increased during the day and wondering why she was wasting her degree in a shit job like that during the night (bachelor’s of science in chemical engineering, top of her class when she’d graduated), sara had received an email from beth.

beth had tried to call and finally resorted to email to let sara know that dave had committed suicide after learning he’d contracted aids from the accident – although no one was ever able to explain how it had happened. he had decided a quick death at his own hands was better than the slow, wasting death ahead of him.

sara had attended the funeral to say goodbye to dave and to the last reminder of her college days.

she absent-mindedly opened up her word processor. since returning from the funeral, sara had been staying in more and more. she felt afraid of something… but what?

“to whom it may concern,” she had typed. what was she afraid of, she asked herself as her fingers continued to click over the keys.

was it timothy danvers? was she afraid of him making good on his threat? sara nervously chuckled. her view was that, when he hadn’t done anything after a year, mr. danvers had probably decided to let things alone.

was it guilt? true, they had not told the cops about lydia’s sudden attraction to dave’s ear at the time of the accident. but it had never bothered her before. was it guilt about not mourning the losses of her former friends?

or was it fear – the kind of fear that consumes a single, 27-year old woman who is still living alone with no good prospects on her horizon? sara had never given much thought to her life beforehand and found that, even though she was thinking about it now, she still didn’t feel too worried about things.

so what was it? what was that phantom feeling that had been keeping her up nights?

sara glanced down at her monitor, shocked to see what she had been typing. it had been as if she was on auto pilot, and her unconscious mind had decided what was going to be said. she had been typing a suicide note! did she really feel like ending it all, deep down inside? calmly reading through the note, sara repeatedly made little gasping sounds as she read how she had worded the feelings of loneliness, depression, and… what? what had she been trying to convey when she stopped typing?

the power suddenly cut off. although her cat mewed, protesting the sudden darkness, sara accepted it as another part of the storm, relishing in the way the night sometimes hid the problems daylight harshly exposed.

she cautiously made her way back to the window and fell back into the easy chair. her cat jumped into her lap, curling up into a ball and purring to be rubbed. as she petted the animal, sara watched the rain spattering the glass in random, helter-skelter patterns. she laid her head against the cool glass and closed her eyes, feeling a little sleepy. as she felt herself drifting off to sleep, sara thought she head the squealing of hinges on a door being opened. dismissing this as her mind playing tricks on her, she let herself drift off to a deep sleep.

down below on the street, a black sedan had pulled up across from sara’s building. it parked at the curb, and a man dressed in black got out of the driver’s side. “i told you that you would be mine tonight,” he sneered, “and this black-out gives me the perfect opportunity to put my plan into action.”

he opened the sedan’s trunk and pulled out a long, black bag. he then closed the trunk and started across the street. opening the main door to sara’s building, he slipped inside, unnoticed, and started up the stairs towards her apartment.

.........

Where is my mind

2010-05-11T09:49:00.001-05:00

I am in a rotten mood today – I bust my ass to get to the studio at 8:30 during my photoshoots. So when I get here I expect that we will start shortly after 8:30 – hell really I expect to get started by 9 – so when I am 3 shots behind schedule and my team is still eating breakfast and taking their time at 9:30 – I get irritated.

I think I woke up in a rotten mood – I don’t know if it is cause I went to bed so early and got too much sleep or what – maybe it’s because deep down I am struggling with confusion. Whatever it is – it is making me be a person I don’t like. I don’t like being grumpy and anti-social. It’s probably a little to do with the fact I am tired of being in limbo with a living situation and I see some relief on the horizon and I am just anxious to have a place to call my own again. It has been about 8 years since I have been happy in my living situation. But to have my own place that is mine and my style – it’s long overdue.

The whole reason I started this entry is because I opened my internet and saw the Apple start page on safari and noticed that the top songs on iTunes were a bunch of mindless pop top 40 shit. And that set me off to write something. I think it’s just a matter of everything compiling on top of each other – I’ll be fine – writing always helps.

On to day 4 of this photoshoot.

epiphany

2010-04-30T22:09:00.001-05:00

was listening to the new Doug Burr and Burning Hotels albums tonight and was inspired to free write this:

- there was a sparkle in her eyes when his name came off her lips
- those sparking eyes darted left to right avoiding any direct contact
- when she finally focused and began to really talk the sparkle was gone

- there was a spark in his soul when her eyes met his
- that spark led to a rush of desire and feelings weighted by his thoughts
- when he finally succumbed to the desire the spark was gone

- they held hands with their hopes dimmed by what they couldn't have
- she ran her hand through his hair & he realized she wishes it was someone else
- he caressed her thigh and she realized he finally had the epiphany

inspired free writing

2010-04-20T21:50:00.001-05:00

sometimes when you feel that life is slipping through your fingers; you have to find a hero.
not one who dons a cape or lives in the limelight
but a hero who hides in the dark recesses of oneself
in the moment when you feel completely human
you have to close your eyes and risk it
take that leap and watch yourself fly
before you can ever trust someone to save you
you must first discover how to save yourself.

stuff that i need to do

2010-02-08T16:02:00.002-06:00

it's 2010 - not only is it 2010 but it's already the 2nd month of 2010 - and i really haven't done anything too spectacular - i mean i sort of feel like it's a literal representation of the sequel to 2001.

well it's still early and i can fix this dilemma - so here is a list i just made of things i need to do in 2010:

- more personal photoshoots
- find new things and people that inspire
- create more art
- write more silly stories
- run backwards at least 15 seconds of every day
- roundhouse kick a pillow at least once a month
- try and piss off or freak out my boss at least 3 times a month
- fill up at least 10 moleskins with thoughts and drawings
- write a song

that's all for now - leave go read someone else's blog now - this is the end - of this post

you really want to know what i want out of life

2010-02-02T14:03:00.002-06:00

besides all these dreams and ambitions i have - what would really make me a happy person on my deathbed would be to marry a cute girl - who turns into a hot mom - who ends up creating an awesome spaghetti recipe - who's shriveled and frail hands clench mine as we walk the park in our 90's

how's that for an answer?

script of life

2010-01-26T14:36:00.000-06:00

do you ever feel that in the theatrical production we call life you
got cast as the wrong character? that you have performed the script as
it's written but it isn't written for you. i think those feelings are
ordinary - and i think most people go off script and try and play
another character that they think fits them best - a character that
has the qualities and characteristics of someone they want to be - and
to me that behavior is ordinary

to me what is extraordinary is the person that sticks to the script -
that takes they character they were cast as and embraces it and makes
it their own - i don't think we see that too often anymore.

it's so easy to be the "understudy" for another character - to sit
there waiting for someone else to falter in their role and try and
take their place.

this theatrical production of life is a complex story written with
multiple layers and lots of dramatic twists and turns but i challenge
you to stay on task and keep in character as you were cast - we aren't
the producers of this production and it takes a while for us to
finally gain the skill and knowledge to become directors of it - but
take the script as it is written and step forward onto the stage and
shine as you were intended to be - not another character.

give the script a chance to play out - sometimes the plot gets a
little bogged down but in the end - if you carry on as who you should
be - i believe the reward at the climax of the script will be a
wonderous one.

seriously i have neglected you for too long

2010-01-25T14:34:00.000-06:00

so i have a REAL journal where i write down thoughts and feelings and whatnot - it's great but i haven't taken the time to transcribe those thoughts and feelings and whatnots into my blog - so here is my promise to anyone who still reads this

things are changing - my thoughts will make their way back here very soon - like tomorrow

- b

my fave albums of 2009

2009-12-29T16:02:00.003-06:00

in preparation for my "b's faves of '09" mix-tape (set to be released Jan. 2nd 2010) - i give you my 10 favorite albums of 2009 (in no particular order)

Justin Townes Earle - Midnight at The Movies
Mountain Goats-The Life of The World to Come
The Swell Season - Strict Joy
The Avett Brothers - I and Love and You
Bon Iver - Blood Bank... See More
The Decemberists - Hazards of Love
Andrew Bird - Noble Beast
M. Ward - Hold Time
Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavillion
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

BONUS: Ryan Bingham - Roadhouse Sun

2009 Summer Kickball Schedule

2009-06-24T15:02:00.005-05:00

we totally got our asses kicked last night - but had a good time and the Wicker Kickers were given the "Spirit Award" for our sheer awesomeness at the after party.

i'd love to have you come out and cheer us on so here is the schedule for the season.

we play every Tuesday at Gateway Park in Ft. Worth - located at 1701 N Beach St

WEEK 3 7/7
8:00 Field 4 Wicker Kickers v Kickin' Balls Ref: Looking to Score

WEEK 4 7/14
6:30 Field 6 Just Kickin It v Wicker Kickers Ref: Blue Ballerz

WEEK 5 7/21
6:30 Field 5 Don't Stop Ballieving v Wicker Kickers Ref: Looking to Score

WEEK 6 8/4
7:15 Field 6 Pitches and Thoes v Wicker Kickers Ref: Bad News Beers

WEEK 7 8/11
8:00 Field 6 The Kirby Pucketts v Wicker Kickers Ref: See You Next Tuesday

WEEK 8 8/18
7:15 Field 6 Wicker Kickers v Bucky Ballers Ref: Beavershank

cloudy memories

2009-06-10T16:05:00.003-05:00

have you ever found yourself lost in a moment - a moment from the past - you sit there and dwell on the situation and what happened – how it all went down.

i find myself stuck there constantly - thinking of all the things i could have said - that i should have said - pacing backwards - frame by frame - the actions that led to that very moment.

at first i desperately want to change those actions - beating myself up in such a manner that i let myself forget who i really am at the core. once those thoughts pass - i quickly pick myself up and remind myself that i choose to live life without regrets - to learn from mistakes and realize that everything happens for a reason.

no matter the manner in which pieces fall - they are all falling in the exact spot and at the exact time that they were supposed to be.

i have come to a place in my life where i am happy - where i don't feel i need to rush life - just live it.

today my memories are all ones where i fucked up - where i was a failure to myself and those around me - but that all changed when the first 4 notes of a song came on my iTunes - it was "These are the Days" by 10,000 Maniacs - those first few notes took me to the late evening of October 16, 2006 - sitting there next to my wonderful friend and ex-wife nicole - watching our son enter this world as that song softly played on my laptop

that's the one moment i never want to change

i was speaking with Sarah today and she reminded me of a conversation we had on her couch when i visited her last - she told me "my memory is like a filing cabinet of traumatic experiences" - i feel my memory is the same way - i have a hard time conjuring up happy experiences before 2007 - there are a few like the birth of Rhys and the day i realized that i really had my dream job - but it's like those bad memories cast a wide shadow on the good memories of my past.

i struggle to pull the sunlight of my current life through those dark clouds and part the bad memories with the new me and reveal all the happy memories from my past.

i know it will someday happen - and until it does - i am just going to continue creating new happy memories - i have an awesome group of friends that begin with my best friends Kelly - and lead into the new friends who i haven't even known for a full year - i am thankful for The Modern and their Modern Contemporaries group for bringing us all together. i wouldn't trade them for anything.

it's a small group but they are a great group and the best part of all of this - i am not done meeting new people and making new friends. kickball has served as an avenue - work has - yes even a dating site has

so here is to good memories and great friends - and a fantastic summer of meeting new people

"These are the days you'll remember. Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this."

waiting on someone elses meal

2009-04-29T17:23:00.002-05:00

the sunset fell warmly on her face
i could tell she was nervous

looking down and biting my lip
i listened as she whispered

"i want THIS but i want THAT as well
it's a battle i'm not sure i can fight"

my lip still tucked under my teeth
i glance upward with a gentle confession

"you inspire my creativity"
she silently replied with only a chuckle

you could tell it made her uncomfortable
her eyes darting as she breathed in

"i don't know what i want but yet i do"
she said, hands fidgeting at her button

i slowly reach across the table
and put her face in my hand

turn her eyes to meet mine
a small caring grin rising upon my face

"THIS could be what you need
but THAT is what you want"

she pulled away from me
removing the napkin from her lap

she softly kissed me on the cheek
and disappeared into the darkness

i sit in the same chair waiting
knowing she can never be replaced

free writing

2009-04-28T01:12:00.000-05:00

my face is jaundiced from the reflection of the moon

you stare at me silently waiting for my confession

but i don't have it

you know the answers to the questions that linger in your mind

the faint outline of a tear hanging on your bloodshot eyes

my hands are made to create not destroy

your lies were crafted by the minds of meddling men

you can keep walking the other way or face reality

no one can love you more than you love yourself

embrace the four knuckles of redemption in your face

taste the sour vengeance of dismay on my lips

you told me you were incapable of love

i didn't believe you i knew it existed within your head

the problem is our heads always make the decisions for our hearts

death is an easy answer - but life - life is the bastard child of a world raped by lies.

see that puddle on the floor - it's my melted heart

2009-04-23T19:48:00.006-05:00

my heart just triple melted.

my nightly routine with Rhys is something i always look forward to.

it starts with us lifting our legs as high as we can as we march up each individual stair - chanting "march, march, march"

i wait in the hallway as Rhys goes in his room and grabs a washcloth and yells out the color he chose - he then runs into the bathroom and sits down and takes off his socks and his shoes as i run the bathwater.

then he approaches me lifts his shirt over his belly and then says "hep"(help) - we undress and he giggles and we count 1.....2.......3......and i whisk him into the tub.

he pours out the bath makers and starts to color the tub and himself for about 5 minutes - he then moves on to his trains and plays with them shouting "choooooo chooooo chooooo"

all the while i am washing him and cleaning things like marker from his face and paint from his arms - then it's time to wash all that hair of his and as the water falls from the cup and onto his hair he shrieks "rain"

he plays for a while more until he says "i done" - we sing the clean up song as he puts all the bath toys away - and then it's 1.....2.....3......and i whisk him out of the tub and wrap him up in a towel.

i sit him on the sink and he grabs his little toothbrush and puts it under the faucet and then says "toopase"(toothpaste) - he fervently brushes his little teeth and his tongue - rinses off the toothbrush and then taps the brush 3 times.

we put on his PJ's - read a few books and then i say "ok Rhys it's time for bed" - he turns to me - wraps his arms around me and hugs me as tight as he can and then gives me the biggest kiss ever - i carry him to the light switch and he turns out the light - he says "nigh nigh - seet dree"

the final part of this ritual is my favorite part- it is something i look forward to as i am driving to pick him up from school - i hold him and he lays his little head on my shoulder and i rock him and sing Wonderwall by Ryan Adams (screw Oasis).

well tonight something happened - i always sing the entire song all the way through slowly getting softer towards the end - the same thing happened tonight - singing and getting quieter and quieter until i sing the last word - and then in a tiny little sleepy whisper he says "again"

i freaking lost it - my heart just melted - tears welled up and drops began to fall - and in a soft susurration i sing it again - holding him close - feeling him breathe against me.

i never imagined i could have these kinds of feelings - that i could love something this much - i love being a dad - but i REALLY LOVE being Rhys's dad.

WONDERWALL

after a while you get used to the crunching sound

2009-04-10T00:16:00.003-05:00

you know with each relationship the comes and goes in life - you are supposed to learn something. be it about life or yourself.

for the most part this has held true for me - or let me rephrase - for the most part i thought this held true for me.

now single and seemingly "lost" in the dating world i realized that while lessons have been available for me to learn from - i have pretty much ignored all the big things.

the one constant that i always seemed to find as a relationship came to an end is the fact i always got frustrated that i felt like i was walking on eggshells.

it had become such a commonplace feeling that i was used to the sound of the crunching eggshells - but if i want to be really honest with myself - that isn't completely the fault of anyone else but me.

my one failure was i refused to actually be honest with myself which led me to not being completely honest with someone who i was working on developing a lasting relationship with.

my last relationship ended because of my refusal to be honest with myself which led me to being dishonest with them which led to me being paranoid and insecure about myself and my capabilities.

tonight i was listening to the new Kings of Leon album and one song that i always hung on to was "Use Somebody" cause i felt it was a true expression of how i felt and what i wanted but tonight i realized that i was listening to the wrong song - "Use Somebody" played and passed without me giving a second thought - then "Be Somebody" came on and i stopped and just closed my eyes and listened.

it's not that i could use somebody to make feel whole - it's that i have to be somebody to make a difference - to be trustworthy and kind.

so the familiar sound and feeling of eggshells crunching beneath my feet were actually the tiny pieces of my own self inflicted broken heart.

i can't change my past - but i can improve for the future - i can be humble and regretful for my mistakes and learn from them - learn how to be somebody for myself and someone special out there.

funeral for a friend - a celebration of life

2009-04-03T14:14:00.004-05:00

i start this post off with a video that explains how disappointed i am for who i was and how i still have time to change the me that everyone can still love. it in moments of tragedy when we reflect on how we affect other people and how we really take for granted the people who were in our lives at one point or another.

now to one of the toughest funerals i have ever been to. this morning i went to celebrate the life and mourn the loss of a truly good person. not a hateful or bad bone in her body. someone who with a quick flick of lips to form a smile could change your mood - could lighten a dark room. as i sat in the service my heart broke over and over and over again - for this loss - not for my loss but her family's loss - her roomate - her best friend people i had gotten to know about through stories from Chané - to finally meet them - hug them hold them shake their hands - looking around at the HUNDREDS of people who filled the church - people who were all affected differently by this spark of beauty and grace.

i can't continue living in a moment - for a moment - i need to truly be a selfless person - someone like Chané - who i would walk into work early and see her there already - her telling me "i've been here since 6am cause i had to take a friend to the airport at 5am - you ask her why and the answer is "that's what friends do"

friends are honest to the core (even when it's painful), they are trustworthy and honorable. they stick up for you no matter what - even when you are wrong. so in honor of Chané - as an example to my son and in retribution to all the people who i have hurt in one way or another - this is my statement of change.

i am here to enrich you life - to selflessly compliment your already complete lives - to be there and focus on you when you need someone - but mostly i am here to live life to the fullest and who ever wants to join you are welcome.

i finish this blog with one more song that explains me this week. "...if you want to make it stop, then stop, stop..."

fuck this - fuck them

2009-04-01T11:00:00.002-05:00

today is the hardest day. i am doing everything inside of me to hold it together but i am angry and still heartbroken.

what goes through a persons mind to just get in a car and open fire into an open crowd?

what kind of person does that? how are they living with themselves?

believe me i am far from perfect and i have done some horrible things in my past to hurt people and honestly i am the last person to judge but i am pissed off and my counselor told me the best way to get through this is to feel.

so that is what i am doing i am feeling.

Chanés family called and asked if we could make a recording of her voice mail because they were tired of having calling her extension several times a day to hear her voice - one the last bits of her that still existed - to hold on to - to hear.

i loose it every time i think about it - holding on to a recording of a loved ones voice cause you want to hear it - you miss it - they way they said good morning and laughed at your silliness - it gone

i know it isn't ever going to make sense - i am trying to realize that i can't find an answer for this - and even if i did find an answer - it wouldn't be good enough.

i am in no way saying anyone deserve to die more than another person - but Chané was the last person that deserved to be killed - she was good and wonderful person to the core - honest and trustworthy and always making sure everyone was taken care of. that's the most tragic of it all - someone like me - who has hurt people and acted irresponsibly - our breath is less valuable than hers.

just my opinion.

you read the headlines and hear the stories everyday

2009-03-29T17:27:00.003-05:00

Police seeking witnesses to fatal shooting outside downtown Dallas club

someone being shot or stabbed or murdered and you just kind of accept it and move on in your day - it isn't until the headline is about someone you truly cared about that you world just comes to a complete halt.

last night one of the most beautiful and bright young women i have ever met was shot and killed in a random drive by.

i am just devastated - my heart is broken for her friends and family. Chané (Jessica) worked our PR dept. and had an extremely bright future ahead of her. this is truly a tragic loss - she was loved by so many people.

her smile was contagious and i don't care what kind of day i was having when she came around a corner or i was near her and she would smile and say hello - everything just stopped for a moment - she was charismatic and brilliant at her job - she just had the right kind of attitude and i am going to truly miss her - as i know a lot of other people will as well.

please don't ever take life for granted - this has really hit me hard

big news from pocket rockers

2009-03-16T03:12:00.006-05:00

so i just finished the playlist for a mix-tape i have been working on - and it got me thinking - what if i there was a tv commercial for my mix-tapes - what would it be like

that thought took me back to a conversation i had earlier in the evening about Kids Inc. and Mickey Mouse Club - i would pretty much stop down my life as a kid for those two shows - i wanted to be just like Justin from MMC and Ryan from KInc - singing and dancing and hanging out with older (than me) girls.

i thought i was the missing piece on each of those shows - i envisioned myself up there being funny and clumsy and cute - walking off the stage when the show was over to adoring fans - signing autographs - waving at all the cute girls as i left the building in a pair of Ray Bans and rocking out with my newest cassette for my Pocket Rockers.

i was totally enamored with the thought of being a star - now the i am older and wiser (not really sure i am but i like to think i am) - i now realize that when Justin and Ryan walked off the stage they weren't met by adoring fans or glitz and glamour - they were met by their parents who gave them a Hi-C juice box and some Sticklets gum and rushed the away in their wood paneled station wagon

i wanted to be a big deal - i wanted people to see me and rush over to be around me - to have my autograph - i wanted them to know me for my talent and killer personality - i think most of this was caused by the fact i didn't have any friends around me cause they all lived far away (5 miles or more) - so i think i was hungry for attention

the irony of all this is today - someone referred to me as a "big deal" and i quickly shot that idea down - i didn't want to seem like a big deal - cause at the core - i don't think i am a big deal - but i did realize that a little part of my dream had come true - people do see my talent and my killer personality all over the place - they just don't know it's me - and i think i like it this way - to be anonymously admired

that being said i am going to exit the stage now and get some sleep cause MousercisE starts at 5am and Kellyn likes it when i am fully rested and breathing properly - i am also going to begin to wish for something new and completely ridiculous -------- i want pocket rockers to make a comeback

a graceful tailwind

2009-03-12T21:05:00.003-05:00

that's what i imagine it looks like from behind me - a graceful tailwind - i'm a runner literally and metaphorically. what i am talking about here is the metaphoric part. it's what i have always known - running

not facing conflict - turning away and sprinting.

not facing my flaws - looking around for an out and slowly jogging - turning my head back to try and save some face but ultimately i stop looking back and i quickly step up my pace to the full on sprint.

i jumped off the starting line at one point in my life and i had a good gait - i had a purpose - i had a desire to make it to that finish line - to complete the race and prepare of the next race to improve the mistakes i made and correct them so i could finish the next face quicker, smarter and better.

but i'm stuck between the starting line and the finish line - i keep running in different directions and im not making progress.

it why i am always reluctant to develop relationships - cause deep down i know i am not Brandon; meaning a beacon, fiery hill - i am Szemere; small man, demolisher

i just end up finding a way to sabotage it - not cause i want to cause heartache or frustration to the other party - but because - well - because - i have no good reason

tonight on Grey's (yes guilty secret pleasure) Derek told Meridith she was broken 0 she was a lemon and it just struck a chord

is that me? am i just broken and a lemon?

i've hurt some fabulous people in my past - people who were better off before they met me.

they didn't deserve it - i don't deserve it and at the core it isn't me at all - it wasn't what i was when i was a child - i was kind and gentle and tenderhearted and well i am still all those things - but something has surfaced that frightens me about myself that when i feel i have found something good - i have to ruin it.

but maybe i've just been such a fabulous liar that i have convinced myself i am all these good things and well i am just a sour fractured soul.

the thing about lemons - they just need a little water to break down the acid and some sugar to offset the sour and well they become a wonderful refreshing treat.

a new look

2009-03-11T16:22:00.003-05:00

so i have spent the last few days changing the look of my blog - also contemplating moving my blog over to my website and off of blogspot

i would still keep the nigelmushmouth account - just have it redirect to my site.

i dunno

anyhew - it's not 100% complete - but close enough i was ready to "unveil" it. i am still going to add a few more of my doodles to the page

:D

southern style barbecue

2009-03-09T14:48:00.001-05:00

you know something that i love - southern style barbecue - i love every part of it - the sauce, the sides, the condiments - and most of all i love to cook southern style barbecue.

the way the sauce slowly pours onto the meat and the meat gently soaks in the sauce - giving it a faint crimson glow - as if the sauce were the sun and the meat is a fair skin being lightly sun-kissed.

i digress onto the real reason i wanted to write this and rant for a bit.

last night i sat down by myself at a unnamed barbecue restaurant - i had been craving barbecue for a while so as i was driving to the establishment i was excited - as i walked in the door my lips slowly moved upward to develop a light grin of pleasure

it was the smell of smoked meats - barbecue sauce and potato salad

suddenly - as if i was ambushed from behind - i was assaulted by the twang of some top 40 country music song. don't get me wrong - i appreciate music - i love music and REAL country - classic country is irreplaceable - but this is strait out of the mouth of some overproduced silver spoon fed young man that had no business to be lamenting on his hard times.

sure that sounds rude and snobby but it's the way i feel - i won't apologize

okay - tangent - sorry

i get my food and sit down - i close my eyes as i take the first bite ------ heaven - my taste-buds are dancing - my palate is delighted - i open my eyes to have my happiness taken down a few notches - everywhere i look i see western decor - from the floor to the ceiling

why - why - why - do we have to be pummeled by cliché decor and music to enjoy good barbecue? why can't i sit down in a mod styled dining room while indie rock blares from the speakers?

wait i can

i just have to make it happen myself - so this is deal - as soon as i get everything settled - you are all invited over for some amazing barbecue teamed with great music and laid back non cliché setting.

thanks for letting me rant a little bit.

to move forward in the present - sometimes you have to visit the past

2009-03-03T16:17:00.004-06:00

i did it today

i did it yesterday

i did it this weekend

but what i found today was jaw dropping - a livejournal post from May 1999 - a significant line i found in the entry was this:

i can't complete anyone when i can't even complete myself - don't look to me - don't look at me - i'm just a fucked up boy who keeps running in the same vicious cycle

i wanted to be everyone's everything - to the point that i was destroying myself and disappointing myself - which led to me destroying others and disappointing others.

i get really angry at myself for what i did - for who i let myself become over the last 30 years of my life - it has been an ebb and flow

moments of greatness and clarity - then the ever quick nosedive into an emotional oblivion

i'm looking for the lights to guide me home - it's just so damn dark

burying the past

2009-02-23T09:27:00.003-06:00

hey you - yeah you - with the shovel and the bag of bad memories and secrets -

open your hands and drop everything- what you are doing is pointless - it isn't going to help - it's just a band-aid to wound that needs the be stitched. all the band-aid is going to do is stop the bleeding for a bit but it won't fix the gash - actually what's happening is the wound is just getting infected - festering more as it sits there hidden.

i am speaking to you out of experience - i had applied many band-aids and while i thought the gash was taken care of and maybe a small scar would remain - i recently found that i was wrong - the wound is still there and fresh like the day it was made.

so now i work on stitching the wounds closed - i have always said everything happens for a reason - well maybe all the sirens and the doctors rushing around trying to point out the obvious - was so that i could turn around - remove the band-aid and finally find the healing that my wounds need.

savage lies (a repost)

2009-02-14T18:50:00.002-06:00

in honor of valentines i thought i would re-post one of my fav and most controversial blogs from last year

so i was listening to some archived Dan Savage podcasts this morning. one episode was dedicated to allowing his female listener to pass along what they wished they had known when they were 15 years old to the girls out there who actually are 15. most of it was your run-of-the-mill "just because a guy says he loves you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him" bullshit, but one of his reader's advice caught my attention.

"The outgoing, macho-acting, good-looking guys you're attracted to will treat you like crap. The quiet, nerdy, smart, and bookish guys you are not attracted to will treat you like gold. But you may have to seek and draw them out, as they are usually shy."

while this woman makes a relatively intelligent point, she still failed to add on one important footnote to her comment - "None of this really matters anyway because all of us still prefer to date douchebags, even though we are all now in our mid- to late-20s and we should know better."

i hate stuff like this because it's such bullshit. give this 25-year old₁ female, or any other one like her in the country, the choice between a loud, obnoxious asshole and an intelligent, normal guy and she will always take the former. "Hmm, this one reads in his spare time... but this one listens to Nickelback! I like him!" tell the girls the truth, lady - you only say shit like this in order to avoid sounding like a superficial whore. if you actually believed the bullshit coming out of your own mouth, then you wouldn't still be cruising The Library₂ for guys instead of looking for them in the actual motherfucking library!1

the saving grace to my rant is i know there are a small percentage of women out there who are the complete opposite of this woman and the women like her. so as the footnote below explains. this isn't a hate filled message directed at the female species - i am for a fact one of the few male feminist out there.

_{1. i am speaking about a specific type of woman not EVERY woman out there}

_{2. my non-Texas dwelling readers probably won't get this. The Library is an obnoxious trendy bar in Fort Worth. the bar itself is worse than it's non-creative name implies.}

i'm in a foul mood this afternoon and this just pushed me over the edge

2009-02-11T16:19:00.002-06:00

seriously what - the - fuck!?!

this might offend someone maybe everyone but what happened to music? i just saw that the #1 song on iTunes is "Right Round" from Flo-Rida.

seriously what happened to originality? oh yeah that's right - top 40 radio and mindless music listeners. i have no problems with a cover of a song - hell most of the time the cover ends up better than the original - but to sample a hook and nothing more and capitalize off of it really bothers me.

Richard Wagner and his predecessors would be appalled.

seriously they wouldn't intentionally put rotten food in their mouths would they? so why settle for third rate - rotten music?

i know i am just being an asshole right now cause a handful of people have put me in a foul mood. but really - can someone please tell me when the last time the #1 song on iTunes wasn't some top 40, over produced garbage.

it's been so long i can't remember

writing this has calmed me a little bit - but i'm still not changing my stance

sorry for a shitty blog post

Retox and Hate-cation

2009-01-22T13:43:00.004-06:00

so i subscribe to multiple blogs and websites about advertising, marketing and trends - since it's my business i like to see what other people are talking about and also make it a point to stay current and up to date on trends and the industry.

today i visited trendcentral and had a good laugh.

today's article is about new slang - new terms for 2009. the two that really caught my attention were Retox and Hate-cation.

Retox (ree-tox)

v. To go back on your New Year's resolutions and do the opposite of the goals you set for yourself

"Instead of following my resolution to get fit this year, I decided to retox and take up cooking classes instead. Oh well, no one follows New Year's resolutions anyway, right?"

i didn't make a new years resolution this year - i just didn't see the point - cause every year i end up breaking it and/or changing it - so seeing the term Retox made me laugh.

Hate-cation

n. Taking a vacation from being a hater where you are committed to not saying anything bad about anyone or anything; synonymous with "moral cleanse"

"Whatever, I know you have an opinion but just can't speak your mind because you are on a hate-cation."

wow there have been many time of the last year (and in my life) i have needed one of these - another really funny term but the more i think about it - it's a fantastic thing. i have discovered the more bitter and snarky i get about things - the quicker i fall into a funk with myself - and that is never good.

i have sort of taken some time away from the blog - part of it is relationships beginning and ending and work taking over for me - but i am going to commit to it. i always feel 100 times better after i write.

so i guess my Retox is to write more silly stories, share more personal experiences and make you all laugh and cry and shudder on a more consistent basis. it's a must while i am on my current Hate-cation

here are the rest of the new slang for '09

RECESSION-INSPIRED SLANG

Povo

(po-vo)

adj. Spawned from the increasing popularity of new HBO series Summer Heights High, the Aussie slang for poor has infiltrated the vocabulary of recessionistas everywhere

"Caroline, I can't go out to dinner tonight: My pay cut has left me totally povo."

RELATIONSHIP SLANG

Ex-hole

n. Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend who dumped you via Post-it/text/drop-off-the-face-of-the-earth-disappearing-act and who is now flouncing around town with a new love interest

"I bumped into my ex-hole this morning - she said she was so sorry that she cheated on me, blah blah blah. I wanted to puke."

Cupcake

v. To stay home with your boyfriend/girlfriend to cuddle

"It's raining and cold outside; I think I'll skip the bars and cupcake tonight."

Hot Room

n. A social setting that involves a mix of people whose relationships to each other are, well, complicated

"I was sitting next to my current flame and then my ex-hole walked in with his current girlfriend, who I had a falling out with in high school - total hot room!"

DIGITAL SLANG

Pwn

(pone)

v. To "power own" something or someone. Derived years ago from World of Warcraft smack talk, this slang has been adopted throughout other online games, and has since surfaced in the mainstream real world

"I pwn-ed Stephen last night in Wii Tennis."

Epic Fail

n. A frequently used term in the video game community that quite simply means you really messed up and/or something/someone is an utter failure

"Dude, your attempt to get that girl's number was an epic fail."

Geequals

n. Two people who are equal in depth of arcane knowledge

"I knew I had met my geequal when Frank showed me his Star Wars light saber iPhone app."

Myselfish

adj. A term used to describe people's need for recognition and self-fulfillment via the Internet. This is accomplished with incessant Facebook status updates and TMI-Twitter feeds, and serves the purpose of making one feel important and/or noticed

"My friends consider my need to Twitter detailed accounts of my trips to Trader Joe's, the gas station, and my opinions on anything, really, to be annoyingly myselfish. I consider it shameless self-promotion!"

THIS YEAR'S REHAB

Smashed Potatoes

adj. Drunk, inebriated, similar to the term "hot mess"

"Sorry I bailed without saying good night, but I was smashed potatoes."

STREET SLANG

Obama/Not Obama

adj. London street reporters proclaim that our new President has become synonymous with "cool"

"Yeah, that is so Obama!"

Alt-worthy

adj. A term used to describe people or things considered to be cool or trendy

"The pop-up art gallery on Elizabeth Street is alt-worthy."

'Kward

(kwerd)

adj. Awkward

"Whoa, that conversation was very 'kward."

living vicariously

2008-12-22T11:55:00.003-06:00

i find myself always chasing and yearning to be something that i don't think i could ever be - and that is a musician - i sit and watch videos, go to concerts, listen to live recordings - and find myself wishing i could lay my fingers down on some ivory keys and write a song for every season.

but i can't - doesn't mean i'm going to stop dreaming and wishing - cause i won't - but i will admit i find myself hoping and wishing that Rhys will find the music within him - i always wanted to play a guitar - bang on some drums - play a piano but my family simply didn't have the time nor the means to make that happen for me. what they did have the time and the means for were sports - i was never good at sports - those of you who know me well know that my coordination is atrocious

if Rhys wants to play sports he will play sports - if he wants to play an instrument - i will provide one to him by any means necessary - if he wants to paint - then awesome - i can't hold on to a hope and a dream for my son so that i might be able to live vicariously through him.

what i do want is to find my own music within myself so that i might be able to provide greater direction and interest to my son.

this brings me to my last question/statement - i've been so busy living vicariously through others that i have neglected to simply realize that maybe there is someone out there living vicariously through me.

that scares the shit out of me.

it's always in the small details

2008-12-19T14:15:00.002-06:00

as i end this week - i realize that everything we really need to know is in the small details.

the way someone looks at you when they make a statement

the way they curve the lines of their "A's"

the way they sigh after trying to be honest with you

i am glad the week is over and i am sort of ready for the holidays to be over and the new year to start.

i really feel that awesome and positive things are right around the corner - resting on the horizon - waiting for my approach.

there were so many people who just wanted to accept me at face value but take me for everything i had to give. no more - someone who really cares about me is going to be just that - someone who really cares about me.

i was so worried about letting people in my life - i was restrictive and selective and can't say i have always made the best decisions but i know there are a handful of people who walked into my life in 2008 that i am confident will never ever leave.

i love those people dearly.

i love being a dad.......

2008-12-13T20:12:00.007-06:00

....but today was rough.

i can't believe it has been a month since i have updated this - i got so busy writing in another blog and this got neglected - as i write this "i jut love you" by Five for Fighting plays.

i won't neglect this blog for a month again - i can maintain multiple blogs.

back to today - my mom watched Rhys last night - and apparently she had a lot of trouble with him and gave in to him being a lil' monster - which is fine - he just didn't get much sleep - so he was a big monster today.

i have always been good at refocusing Rhys onto something else but today he just wanted to cling to me - it was heartwarming and sweet most of the day but near the end of the day - it really wore on me.

i had to put him down to do somethings and he just melted down - i went to pick him up and he just pushed me away - that was the first he ever did that - like he was holding a grudge for me putting him down - my heart broke.

bathtime went very well and he was quiet and sweet while we read books before bed - he closed his last book and hugged me - i knew he was ready for bed - he turned out the light and i sat and rocked him in the dark - he wrapped his little arms around my neck and held tightly - his chest against mine -----

i lost it

i tried my hardest to hold the tears in - but i couldn't - they just fell like a great torrent - i tried to muffle the sniffles - but it was so hard - Rhys then grabbed the back of my neck and rubbed the back of my neck - as if to tell me that it was ok.

i never knew i could love something this much

i don't know why i am so emotional tonight - maybe it's just everything catching up to me - maybe it is cause the last 5 weeks i have opened up my life in a way i swore i would never do - whatever it is - i don't mind it at all - writing this helps - but i want nothing more to go and grab my son and hold him and never let him go.

i am grateful to have such a wonderful and brilliant child - since i haven't updated this in over a month that means i never did a thanksgiving post - so here is what i am thankful for.

i am thankful for such a wonderful son who makes me proud every day

i am thankful to a family that drives me so crazy that i can't help but love them

i am thankful for my friends - the ones who really know me and know what i need - i couldn't imagine my life without them

even the ones who are so lost in their own ego they are letting life pass them by, but even some of them redeem themselves a bit - thank you Kaycie you did me a favor and gave me a gift that i'm not sure i deserve - but i am going to cherish forever

im thankful for my job but as much as i love it - im beginning to let go of it a little and live my life a little.

i need to stop here to i am going to short out my keyboard with tears

:)

not sure any of this made sense to anyone but i had to get it out.

She's lost in my arms Her head on my heart And softly she whispers the words
I,I just Love You - I Don't Know Why, I Just Do.....I'll never stop being amazed - how my 4-year old girl knows exactly what to say

thieves

2008-11-12T09:35:00.002-06:00

this week has been hard and it's only wednesday

i was robbed - stolen from - taken advantage of.

i don't understand what goes through a humans mind that makes them want to take from others - is it for their own benefit - is it to feed a need they desperately have?

the human psyche is so complex and interesting that having my life violated in a somewhat minor way - still has me contemplative about being stole from. my first thought is thieves are selfish beings only thinking of themselves but i am going to retract that statement a bit because i think thieves might actually have a quite selfless side to them. they steal and take but not to hurt someone but to help.

think of it like the story of Robin Hood - if i have a plethora of something that while i need it and use it - maybe just maybe - that person needs it more.

i forgot my belt today

2008-10-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

every time i get up i look around nervously cause i feel naked - i left my belt on my bed. i am sure it sounds silly - a thin strap of leather making me so paranoid - but i just feel incomplete.

it got me thinking about how symbolic this is - i own the belt - i have it with me almost every day - but when i don't have it - i am incomplete - i don't feel whole or put together.

this strap of leather has a dual purpose - it is used for support and it is used to complete "my look". so when I don't have my belt i am struggling to feel that support and i am struggling to feel like i am a complete person.

the belt exists - i just carelessly left it behind - i know when i get home it will be there waiting for me - it isn't the belts fault i feel this way - it's my own carelessness and me trying to rush through things.

restored faith

2008-09-26T13:27:00.003-05:00

there really isn't many feelings better than that of having your faith restored in something or someone. for me it's both.

last night i took the time to catch some new Fall tv. i watched The Office and Grey's Anatomy. The Office didn't need to restore faith - the writing has been spot on for a while; but Grey's - well it lost me last year. i gave up 4 epsiodes in cause the writing was just awful - Shonda Rimes seemed to be mailing it in. i am serious the writing was just garbage.

what made Shonda so great to me when Grey's started was the whole collaboration of her scripts. the music that intertwined with the scenes the background visuals that complimented the emotion of the words. everything was like a well oiled machine - moving together in harmony - like the New York Philharmonic. but imagine if the New York Philharmonic lost their conductor and then hired a 4 year old kid to play tambourine and had a dog on stage howling - that is what the show turned into for me.

but last night my breath was taken away - the writing was back the well oiled machine was moving in-sync. but - what really took me back is the fact they opened the show with one of my fav local (regional really) bands - Other Lives. i couldn't believe it. i was excited - the song she picked was Black Tables. a very haunting tune that really set the pace and the mood for the episode.

hopefully this means that the writing is back on par and we are in for a great season of ridiculous drama. i really hope so.

some other notable songs i that perked up my ears were:

"And then you" - Greg Laswell
"Mistaken Identity" - Steve Reynolds
"Wins" - Jade McNelis
"Skinny Love" - Bon Iver
"Jungle Drum" - Emiliana Torrini

OH MY FREAKING GOD!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-21T22:08:00.001-05:00

i just saw a commercial for some new Lincoln MKS car and someone was covering David Bowie's "Space Oddity" (aka Major Tom) - it sounded a lot like Cat Power.

so i do a little research and it is freaking Chan Marshall from Cat Power covering the song.

god i am so excited for this to be released.

my astrological chart

2008-09-11T10:03:00.002-05:00

back in June 2007 when i was going through all kinds of crazy shit - i had someone interpret my full chart based on the month, day and time i was born. it is pretty much 100% accurate.

---------------------

Ascendant in Libra, Venus in the First House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Libra was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Venus is located in the first house.

This denotes a life in which the native adopts an attitude which is courteous, kind, and affectionate.

People with Libra Ascendant are basically motivated by feeling and emotion rather than intellectuality. Your life will demonstrate your keenness of observation, and a tendency to effect comparisons largely of an aesthetic nature. You will not display too much energy in your actions and, therefore, there is a tendency toward following routine and the lines of the least resistance. You are a sympathetic person who seeks the approval of others and is also very adaptable. Your intuition is remarkable and you derive sensual gratification from engaging in social intercourse, by loving all social aspects of life.

If you do not control this tendency to be so involved in human relationships, you may become too attached and over dependent.

Some restlessness, changeability and lack of persistence is noted in your life. Your main feature is that of constantly favoring the fusing of two things or people together.

Unfortunately, this involvement with harmonizing and adjusting people to one another, tends to make the native a little unrealistic and lacking in action. You will be, however, easy going and congenial, socially oriented and preoccupied with adornments, clothing, social conventions, standards, and aesthetics. In love, if you cause the relationship to be a serious one, you will find that the affair is the consequence of your own interest in flattering yourself rather than to satisfy any profound emotion.

Professionally, you will be inclined to activities which require a high degree of culture and even artistic knowledge.

This position tends to support and perhaps overemphasize all the Libran characteristics defined in the previous paragraphs.

You will be very attractive physically and this feature will enable you to initiate interesting human relationships. This is perhaps one of the strongest positions of Venus and makes the native kind, lovable, amiable, comprehensive, understanding, attractive, and focused toward the higher emotions.

Venus in the First House

Venus is in the first house. This is a strong position for Venus, for it adds charm to your personality and gives you an amiable and pleasant disposition.

You concentrate a great deal on your appearance and even if you are not especially beautiful or handsome, you have a quality of softness and friendliness, which endears you to many.

You like to keep beauty and grace around you as much as possible. You have a strong affinity with nature and prefer the quiet life of the country to the plastic constructions of city life.

It is likely that you grew up in an atmosphere of warmth and congeniality. Now it is easy for you to project these same feelings to family and friends, and others often count on you to restore peace in difficult situations.

You have strong inclinations toward music, art and drama and you may wish to cultivate a form of artistic expression.

You work very hard to get along with others, and you usually try to win arguments with diplomacy rather than force. You must learn to be self-assertive when necessary and to stand up for your own rights, forcefully if need be. Otherwise, people will not have much respect for you.
Relationships are important to you, and you often go out of your way to initiate them. It is vital that your associations remain harmonious, because quarrels and disputes affect you adversely.

Moon in the Eleventh House

The Moon was found in the eleventh house at the time of your birth. You should be an individual with many friends and acquaintances, both from within and without your home and domestic circle. You are a person who can make friends in the highest social categories as well as with persons of an inferior status.

This position may also increase the possibilities of having a satisfactory family life and a very congenial domestic aspect with the potentiality of easily fraternizing with other people.

Saturn in the Eleventh House

Saturn was found in the eleventh house at the time of birth. Psychologically, this denotes a rather hidden and limited view of your personal ambitions, your friendships, and of your future. You're very ambitious, cautious, just, patient, responsible, but perhaps, too serious.

You're an individual with few friends and even there you may find that some of them will assist you with advice rather than with actual help in times of peril.

Sun in the Twelfth House

The Sun was in your twelfth house at the time of birth. This may indicate a life full of limitations, obstacles, and human opposition, but at the same time a lot of inner strength and energy.

You are urged to pause and reflect upon your own accumulated history. Take some time for introspection. It may result in a purification process accompanied by some remorse of conscience.

Internally, you are quite different from the way you present yourself externally. You possess a vast reservoir of energy that may be partially hidden even from your own awareness.
Your internal disposition is strong, commanding, open, and of a rare generosity. More and more you should try to bring these characteristics into the open so that they can overcome some of the less desirable aspects of your personality.

Ascendant in Libra

With your Ascendant in Libra, you have almost an addiction to physical beauty and grace in sexuality.

If there is a disadvantage to this position, it is that you idealize love so much that it is difficult for any partner to live up to your expectations, both physically and emotionally. Occasionally you must come down to earth, for otherwise you may set your sights too high for any realistic relationship.

In most relationships, you are the one who develops ideas rather than the one who thinks of them. However, you must give your lover plenty of room for personal development and avoid the temptation to be manipulative in order to get your way.

If the relationship is well balanced, you can shape and articulate it to the point that others will see you both as "beautiful people."

Sun in Virgo

Of all the Sun signs, Virgo is the most adept at the care and feeding of a lover. You will go to great lengths to find out exactly what pleases your partner and spend a lot of effort to provide it.

You also put a high value on a lover who is aware of what pleases you. You must, however, make a particular attempt to let your lover know just what makes you happy, because other people are not likely to be as observant as you.

You are more comfortable with a long-term affair that gives you plenty of time to structure the relationship.

Giving and receiving gifts, particularly hand-made presents, may be a very potent expression of love for you. But do not be disappointed if your lover does not appreciate your gifts as much as you do. Instead, find out the channel of communication that your partner treasures most and direct your love energies there.

Sun in the Twelfth House

You have a strong sense of privacy and individuality. You disclose your inner feelings only in the most intimate circumstances and only to those whom you feel are your closest friends. Such openness is, in fact, the highest honor and token of love that you can bestow upon a friend or lover.

Because of your natural reticence, you don't actively seek new relationships, but rather tend to wait for others to seek you out.

Others may see your personal life as quite mysterious, attracting speculation about behind- closed-doors affairs. They will seldom be able to assess your private life accurately, but the very mystery will make you seem more attractive and desirable.

Moon in Leo

You are very open and mellow toward your lover, and you are a very enthusiastic and outgoing love partner.

Your partner should enjoy social gatherings, because you feel unfulfilled if you are alone for a long time.

Generally you are an optimist, which helps the physical side of a relationship.

Physically and emotionally, you enjoy the presence and love of many different people, but you will probably lock your truly heartfelt loyalty and love to one person only.

Venus in Libra

A quiet, uneventful affair is boring to you, for it is continual change and growth that keep you interested and creative in a love relationship.

You insist that you and your lover be equal, not in a static equilibrium, but rather a continuing readjustment that keeps both partners on an even basis.

You particularly admire physical beauty in a lover, but do not let a person's appearance blind you to the beauty in his or her soul.

In the long run, you will be most satisfied with an all-around lover whose accomplishments and qualities are not just physical but extend in many directions.

Venus in the First House

This position lends a good deal of social charm and grace as well as physical attractiveness.

You are naturally responsive to other people's needs, and many will look to you for sympathy and understanding. Don't let anyone mistake your empathy and diplomacy for weakness, or people will try to manipulate you and take advantage of your willingness to listen.

Anyone with such a great natural advantage should use it to seduce and enfold a desired lover rather than take her by storm.

Mars in Libra

You are likely to be the one who instigates change within a relationship, and your affairs are seldom static.

Although you may be consciously trying to bring about change in a spirit of honest adjustment and possibly conciliation, you may slip into a pattern of shifting and change for its own sake. Be very sure that something needs to be changed before rearranging.

You are so interested in fairness within a relationship that you will take a back seat if you feel it will serve the interests of equality.

In physical affection, you are very considerate and anxious to please, making a point of knowing what your partner enjoys. Your style is quite active and volatile, and you are at your best with someone who is similarly responsive.

Mars in the First House

Your sexual energies are quite direct and are not likely to become confused or sublimated into other areas.

You probably have a good deal of stamina in sexuality, as in other physical pursuits, and you don't tire easily. For that reason, you would do well to match yourself to a lover of similar energy and inclination.
You may be impatient in matters of love, wanting to get on with the affair with a minimum of talk or banter. That is an honest reflection of your feelings, but you should avoid being too hasty; often the delays before a relationship is consummated give you time to think twice about whether you really want to commit yourself to that particular lover.

what a difference a year makes

2008-09-09T10:45:00.002-05:00

so i just went back a year in this blog to read what was going on. i remembered September 2007 being a very hard month for me.

it was really awesome to read where i was and realize where i am at now.

a lot of entries from September were private - so i decided to make them public and let you all read them.

it has taken a lot but i am beginning to experience that ever elusive emotion "happiness"

September 2007 in my own words

it has been a while.....

2008-09-04T15:54:00.001-05:00

.....i think my puzzle is coming apart - what once fit is fighting the groove

it's finally here....

2008-08-17T09:23:00.003-05:00

...the day that i have been dreading a little bit - yet a little excited for.

today at 3:00 my baby sister will walk down and aisle and marry a guy a barely know. a guy who i have quickly learned is perfect for her. i am not going to lie - i tried to talk her out of it. told her to wait - to experience life - get financially stable - all the responsible things. she is 21 years old - she has never left the country - she has never driven across the country - she hasn't had her heart broken by this world yet.

then

then it just hit me -

- she is going to have someone travel with and someone to be there when the world breaks her heart.

this whole process of preparing for her wedding has really made me realize that true love is completely blind - it has no boundaries. that inside of me there really is the ability to love.

she may only be 21 years old - but out of the 3 of us (me and my sisters) she is the most responsible and has the most level head on her shoulders. she is an amazing young woman and i am going to do my best not to cry today

but i am pretty sure that is impossible.

heres a confession: i'm in love with a man

2008-08-16T22:48:00.001-05:00

what?

i'm in love with a man... a man named god. does that make me gay? am i gay for god?

you betcha.

i love this ridiculously huge smile on my face

2008-08-14T16:38:00.002-05:00

seriously it is crazy - today has been a very odd day - but odd in the best of ways!

i drew some new doodles that were super cute and inspired by talking to Emily.

i got all my concepts approved for upcoming promotions

i am taking a staycation tomorrow

i was constantly distracted with witty banter and fun messages from everyone

but the things that really topped it off - was when Scott from the mail room stops by to deliver me a package.

it is the prints i ordered from Kurt Halsey 7 weeks ago and i am super excited.

le sigh - in the best of ways.

i really needed today

:D

sometimes i do silly things....

2008-08-14T15:00:00.001-05:00

....like make new blogs

http://whatsocksamiwearingtoday.blogspot.com/

i love new discoveries

2008-08-12T02:26:00.003-05:00

i just discovered the most wonderful soundtrack in a very long time. it is for a silly video game called Stubbs the Zombie.

i was watching the movie trailer for Jonathan Demme's new movie Rachel Getting Married - and i heard a cover of the old Buddy Holly classic "Everyday" by what sounded like Zach Rogue from Rogue Wave.

well after some quick research i discovered that sure enough it was Rogue Wave and they weren't the only great band doing old 50's covers.

1. Ben Kweller - "Lollipop"
2. The Raveonettes - "My Boyfriend's Back"
3. Death Cab for Cutie - "Earth Angel"
4. Rose Hill Drive - "Shakin' All Over"
5. Cake - "Strangers in the Night"
6. The Walkmen - "There Goes My Baby"
7. Rogue Wave - "Everyday"
8. The Dandy Warhols - "All I Have to Do Is Dream"
9. Oranger - "Mr. Sandman"
10. The Flaming Lips - "If I Only Had a Brain"
11. Clem Snide - "Tears on My Pillow"
12. Milton Mapes - "Lonesome Town"
13. Phantom Planet - "The Living Dead"

so i quickly headed over to iTunes and downloaded the album and i am seriously refrefreshed and in love with the Stubbs the Zombie Soundtrack

just for the record....

2008-08-11T11:18:00.001-05:00

......i suck

i completely overlooked a very important person this morning and feel like total shit.

sigh

i need to refocus my mind.

sorry mom

i'm tired....

2008-08-07T20:26:00.003-05:00

....I'm tired of seeing Men act like Boys.

that is a line from a tv show i secretly like - Grey's Anatomy. it was from an episode in 2006, but i wrote it down on a post-it and just found it. why did i write this down?

well

cause i myself am what you would call a manchild. i am what Meridith hates - a man who acts like a boy. i think there is a fine line between being a man who has a strong sense of humor and likes to have fun, and a man who is just juvenile and immature. sadly i have fallen into the category of the latter. i have been stuck there for a good 8 years now. irresponsible and arrogant, i would look at others like they were dull and an inferior. i had no qualms about being this way - my reaction was, if you don't like it; fuck you. but there you go - a very immature and selfish response.

i know deep down i didn't want to be this person - almost like it was a front. it was much easier to live life this way - people don't expect much from you when you are a man acting like a boy. so when i would come up with another decent accomplishment, others would see it as something amazing - when in reality it was just mediocre.

you see i didn't have a positive male role model in my life. i mean my dad showed up everyday of the first 18 years of my life, but he didn't exist in my life. he was a body that played all day and worked all night - forcing my mother to be the main model for what i should be as a person. i don't regret this - because my mother taught me what is is to be a gentleman and how women should be treated - and that lesson was invaluable. when my parents finally got divorced when i was 18 was probably one of the best and worst days for me. it was the best because i didn't have to see my mother hurt anymore. it was the worst cause it showed me how easy it is to walk away from commitments.

i met someone who sort of put me in my place before they ever really "knew" me. we had never spent time together at all really, but i made a comment that i was just a kid and didn't want to grow up (or something very close to that) - they quickly retorted "no, you're not" i can't forget that moment - inside a craft store with a somewhat stranger, who could see through my exterior and could see that was waiting inside. i really don't think i will ever forget that moment.

it was the start of another life change for me.

i went home that night and thought long and hard about what they said - i went and watched my son sleep and promised him that i would not teach him the same things my father taught me. it took some time to fully grasp what it was i was about to do - but over the last month it has been a work in progress. the last month i have been myself to everyone around. no more putting on an act to appease or entertain my crowd, i had to be the real Brandon.

now the real Brandon is still very juvenile in his behaviors, but he isn't immature. he has accepted full responsibility for his actions and is slowly progressing himself into a man.

i looked around and saw a world that i didn't like - a world that really didn't like me - i knew what i had to do, i wanted so much more than what i given to myself.

- i am in no way complete in this journey, and i may never reach my goal - but that doesn't mean i have to stop trying.

i have 3 simple, yet strong desires

1) to be the right male influence in my sons life
2) to always take care of the people who i love in one way or another
3) to inspire my son and nephew to be whatever it is they want to be

i am truly blessed to have met the new people in my life. i wish i would have known them years ago, but i am sort of glad i didn't. i have become better from my mistakes and these people wouldn't have stuck around or enabled me while i lived selfishly.

i don't know what suddenly brought on this moment of clarity - but i know what i have to do. the last time i did this - i called him an asshole. that was over 10 years ago. i have to call my dad. i have to tell him how i feel. right now i am not sure i can do this. it's going to be hard. i just thought about writing him a letter, but i know he needs to hear it audibly from me. i have to confront the dragon before i can ever defeat it.

brought to you by the letter "P"

2008-08-06T00:49:00.001-05:00

this has been a really rough 12 days for me, but as the week came to a close things got better and a lot clearer.

i let myself get so high and caught up in new feelings and my head took over and didn't consult with my heart.

sometimes when things are out of whack it freaks us out a little bit and makes us feel like we are loosing something important so we get scared and we try really hard to hold onto whatever we think we are loosing and then we begin to hold on a little too hard.

that is where i was - i was trying to force something instead of letting it come naturally - i was beginning to ruin the special thing that i had started.

so all this being said - i want to say to myself that it is time to accept all these new changes in your life - and while you are excited - don't rush anything.

all in all the pain and frustration is beginning to turn into happiness and understanding.

a member of the MTV Generation

2008-07-29T13:36:00.007-05:00

so i wake up super early this morning to run (cause 5:00am is the only decent time to run outside in July in Texas) - well i get about 3 miles into the run when i strike right into a puddle of water.

YaY soggy shoe - so i walk home barefoot cause i can't run with a wet shoe.

i have all the time to spare - now that i am awake - so start watching VH1 videos. it was both a thrilling and nostalgic experience. the music felt bigger to me than it had a long time. it felt like it had a chance of actually being affecting and not just being the music i run to or paint to. it was a moment of clarity at a very early hour in the morning, all made possible by the artistry and dentistry of videos.

i remember growing up we had one of the brown box remote channel changers that you zip up and down like a keyboard to change the channel. (i have searched in vain to find a picture of this to jog all our memories, but i can find anything. if you know what i'm talking about and can find a picture to send me, i would be extremely grateful).

but as we all know, it is very difficult to view videos anymore unless we are up at hours we do not intend to be. sure, we've all seen The Beastie Boys "Sabotage", and The White Stripes lego-riffic fantasy "Fell in Love With a Girl", and personally, i still feel artistically indebted to A-Ha's "Take On Me".

but surely there's more to inspire us that the four or five stations out there are withholding from us, choosing instead to expose us to yet another Sweet Sixteen, mind-baffling bitchfest.

to misquote Faulkner - "Once a video reveler, always a video reveler, what I speak!" and let it begin with the following, a song and video called "Run Run" by Those Dancing Days. it fucking rocks in it's mere simplicity.

the best news i have heard in a long time

2008-07-29T13:10:00.002-05:00

Bennigan's, Steak-and-Ale Chains Seek Bankruptcy

now if only we can get Applebees and all those Brinker restaurants closed the world will be a better place.

fumbling phrases from my lips

2008-07-28T01:15:00.002-05:00

- constant consistency

- building a forever always

- to think that
someone built these roads between us.
cutting mountains
crossing rivers
connecting things
that aren't supposed
to be connected

looking forward to the future: a pre-birthday post

2008-07-24T17:01:00.005-05:00

all the changes of life, like indigo to blue, like bread to toast, like dusk to black. once it is st into motion - it can not be stopped. i deplore it. i read thoreau at an early age and have that sucking the marrow out of life phrase firing bullets through my heart with each passing second. i am bonnie in the concluding minutes of bonnie and clyde, the sting of such a short life pouring from her wounds, after all that running. "you best keep runnin', clyde barrow."

that is how i feel. i continue running. as soon as time rests for a moment uncharged, it bolts ahead of me and so i have to hasten after it. unexpected, unconsumed seconds turn to quicksilver suddenly i'm that much older - and that much more in need of some cosmetic decoction.

the sad reality is you cant halt getting older. nor will i escaped the j.m. barrie curse. i want none of it. i can't have the rat's nest that lives over the head of an adult. it is an angry thing, all that blathering, impositioning, threshing, squawking - all that opukence of adulthood. bills, mortgages, broken lawn mowers.

recently my 7 year-old nephew - Tyler - tells me it's easy to fall asleep in the car. this was after i told him i could never fall asleep in the car. Tyler says to me, "it's easy. you just close your eyes." which is a magnificent way of living. "you just do it, he tells me, and then it's done.

if i could just do it (adducing of nike unintended), what would i do? would i open my boutique? would i sell everything and travel the world? would i restore houses? would i design stationary? would i participate in triathlons? would i win scrabble tournaments? would i finally finish my novel? would i paint murals?

with time moving more quickly all the time (fuck what science says), what is stopping me? that's the trick. not getting in front of time, but getting in front of myself, or maybe it's deeper inside myself. i have to stop chasing after that trick. but once i stop running, i'll be dead. i'm pretty sure that's how it works. cut to miss bonnie parker (played by faye dunaway, whose shoe was tied to the brake of the car so that her bullet-riddled body could slump clumsily out of the car without falling completely out of it.) cut to bonnie who stopped running.

in-sanitation

2008-07-24T13:20:00.000-05:00

i'm in the middle of a feud. i wish it were with someone louche and questionable, because then at least my feud would be slightly cool. but no, my feud is with my garbage man. and i'm going to win this feud - so help me. i'm close to meeting him at the curb with a glove to slap his stupid face - so i can challenge him to a duel.

about two or three months ago, my garbage man left me a cute little note. no, he wasn't thanking me for all the quality garbage and recycling i produce (a metric ton of beer bottles and ice cream containers and magazines), he was complaining because i "put our cans too close together and they must be at least four feet apart." he left this note on top of the still full garbage cans that he refused to pick up.

of course at the time he left the note - i had just had a party, so there were all sorts of decomposing items in the garbage can that had to sit around for another week, in addition to the new garbage that had accumulated. most of my friends and family were confused why i was pissed off about this, because i'm averse to rotting garbage scenting my home. of course these are people who think their gaseous emissions smell like chanel no. 5, so it makes sense why they don’t get why i was so bothered.

the next garbage pickup, i carefully observed the 4 foot rule, as well as the rule of not exceeding the capacity of the can. i was a regular sanitary poster child. i gave good garbage. and the garbage was picked up, so all was well, until one night i happened to look down at the rest of the garbage cans on our street and i noticed that the neighbor's cans were closer together than 4 feet, like so close they were touching - and yet their garbage was being picked up. well, i'll be fucked sideways. if my neighbor's garbage cans can touch, so can mine.

next garbage day, i put the cans close together. that night -i came home to find one of the cans, open, lying on its side. the other can was sideways at the other end of the driveway. but the rest of the block, all their garbage cans were neatly lined up and touching. and thus - it was on.

the feud had begun.

every week, i've deliberately put the garbage cans together (like the rest of the street), and every week, the cans are fucked up. knocked over. akimbo. today i was fed up, so i put the garbage cans together and then at the ungodly hour of 5:15 am, i watched the garbage man from a hidden corner on the side of the house. the fucker dumped our garbage into the truck and then got out of the truck – and looked around before knocking over one of our empty cans with his foot. (where i live we have specially designed cans that can be picked up and dumped by an robotic arm on the truck. so he had to put the truck in park – unbuckle his seat belt – and then hop out. a lot of work)

at this point, i sprang out of the shadows and said, "why the fuck did you do that?" it was kind of funny to watch him jump. he recovered quickly though, and with an extremely surly tone he said he was fed up with my cans being too close every week. i said, "well, what about the rest of the block? see their cans? yeah, they're all touching, yet you don't abuse their cans. what the fuck?"

here's where the story just gets bizarre, as per usual in my life. the garbage man (who looks like he just came from the local biker bar) picks up one of the recycling can and chucks it into the back of his truck, gets in the truck, and starts to drive away. i stood in awe until my anger took over again and i ran up along side the truck, just in time to be treated to his grinning face and his middle finger.

now i only have the one garbage can. all i'm going to say is, hell hath no fury. do i not pay for this service? i have a feeling that dealing with the sanitation department is going to be like dealing with the dmv - i'm going to get fucked. there's probably some rule i don't know about, like: never fuck with your garbage man. i’ll probably all have to move because i tried to take them on.

this is a complaint from yesterday, but it still stands today: i hate people who say, "happy hump day!" on wednesdays. they are the same people who say, "t.g.i.f!" and "looks like someone's got a bad case of the mondays!" (and they aren't being sarcastic and quoting office space either) and "it's raining so hard, i had to swim into work! quack, quack!" i hate you and i hope you trip over your payless shoes.

the nice guy battles the music snob - snippets of a war inside my head

2008-07-21T11:22:00.001-05:00

Caleb called me a late last night and bestowed upon me the unfortunate task of putting together a couple of mix CDs for the bachelor party this weekend.

oh god.

don't get me wrong here - those who know me well know i love making mix CDs - except when i know that the people who will be hearing them have vastly different musicals tastes than i do. my record collection contains almost no rap albums, very little commercial pop and absolutely no trance or top 40 country. the guys that will be attending this party are not interested in rocking out to Wilco, Sufjan Stevens, Death From Above 1979, The Raveonettes or Fugazi. and i sure as hell don't have enough time to change their musical tastes before the end of the night.

the CD that i am currently making will undoubtedly be a huge failure. this isn't because these songs are bad - because they aren't. they just won't be well received. being the somewhat nice guy that i am i am still trying to add some stuff they might possibly be familiar with that i have in my collection.

oh fucking well.

track listing so far:

David Bowie - Queen Bitch
The Bravery - An Honest Mistake
Further Seems Forever - The Bradley
Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
Guns N Roses - Mr. Brownstone
The Roots - Rock You
Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
Modest Mouse - Float On
The Ramones - We're a Happy Family
Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
Thin Lizzy - Jailbreak
Tripping Daisy - I Got a Girl
Weezer - The Good Life
The Deftones - Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)
Ben Folds - Rock This Bitch
Foo Fighters - Everlong

oh Jezebel

2008-07-11T22:18:00.000-05:00

today i wanted to listen to some Iron & Wine - decided on Woman King i couldn't make it past the second song on the album - Jezebel. i have listened to the song at least 20 times today and every single listening has made me tear up a little. i have never before been so moved by a single song. it isn't the story itself or the lyrics to the song that break my heart. instead, it is the amazingly beautiful simplicity and sincerity of the music and Beam's voice that cuts through me.

the song itself vaguely tells the tale of the bible's Phoenician princess; a pagan bride to Ahab, the prince of Israel. Jezebel is ultimately devoured by wild dogs, thus fulfilling Elijah's prophecy concerning her downfall. the song doesn't exactly describe the story to the listener, but more or less hints at the feelings evoked by the passages from 1 kings 16-21 and 2 kings 9 (yeah, i may not believe in god, but that doesn't mean that i don't read extensively). there is no percussion or bass in the song. just beam's acoustic guitar, gentle banjo pickings, light piano work and faint dulcimer tingings in the background lay the musical foundation for Jezebel. his voice floats lightly between the notes, creating a haunting and heartbreaking melody that is beam's finest work.

i am not capable of putting into words the accolades and praises that this song deserves. i'm not even entirely sure that a simple description alone is capable of conveying to you everything that this song encompasses, both musically and emotionally. all i can tell you is that you need to listen to this song. Jezebel reminds the listener of everything wonderful and compelling about music. in a way, i love the fact that all of his albums are like these secret little treasures that absolutely nobody knows about. you have to search his music out if you want to hear it. and only those of us who do are rewarded for our efforts. you can listen to the track here

"who's seen jezebel?
she was born to be the woman we could blame
make me a beast half as brave
i'd be the same

who's seen jezebel?
she was certainly the spark for all i've done
the window was wide
she could see the dogs come running"

weaknesses

2008-07-05T00:10:00.001-05:00

- kisses on the neck
- fleeting glances
- a cute girl in a sundress
- whispers in my ear
- french cinema
- a great piano tune
- love notes
- holding hands
- a finely crafted typeface
- wheat beers (dark and pale)
- touching my face
- well thought out advertising
- forwardness

how i am spending my 4th of July

2008-07-04T20:12:00.000-05:00

no fireworks for me. well at least the kind that rise into the sky and explode into multiple colors and shapes.

the fireworks i am experiencing are from good beer, great music and a warm summer evening.

you say i'm boring, i say go to hell

2008-06-30T15:26:00.000-05:00

i’ve agreed to go out with an old friend tonight to have a few drinks. i have a sneaking suspicion that she is going to suggest we go to the library. normally i would put up some sort of a fight and recommend that we go elsewhere, but i'm not really in the mood to expend that kind of energy tonight.

i'm feeling rather anti-social these days... more so than usual. anything involving more than three people generally gets a "no thanks, i'll pass" reply out of me. i think that i am just becoming more of a homebody as time goes on (or lame, depending on how you look at it).

i'm not afraid to say it - i like staying in. the problem with that is that no one else ever wants to do it with you. of course i really don't have a place to whine about this - since i am living such a nomadic lifestyle. it's just that i have better music and there are far fewer annoying people than anywhere else out there. oh yeah, and there aren't any whores/sororistitutes at my place... which may or may not be a good thing, i can't really tell anymore.

maybe i should find some friends who like sitting around and getting drunk while listening to "disintegration", "the lonesome crowded west" and/or "pablo honey."

don't get me wrong - i like doing things - i just have been so frustrated with my situation that i really can't suggest we hang out at my house - since i no longer have a house.

not looking for sympathy at all - just venting through my blog.

:D

you know i'm bored when i start doing shit like this

2008-06-29T16:12:00.003-05:00

1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection? Huey Lewis & The News Time Flies: The Best of Huey Lewis & The News.

2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? cold tortillas with peanut butter and/or applesauce.

3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? Finding Neverland, every fucking time.

4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? i'd probably have them tone down my rugged good looks a little. sometimes, it's just too much.

5. Do you have a completely irrational fear? umm - yes all of them are.

6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? spontaneous urination and/or nail biting.

7. Are you a pyromaniac? not since rehab

8. Do you have too many love interests? that going to depend on whether or not stalking counts.

9. Do you know anyone famous? i don't want to answer this.

10. Describe your bed. empty. desolate. horribly under-used. lego sheets.

11. Are you spontaneous or planned? depends which side of my brain wins that day. usually a little planned.

12. Who would play you in a movie? John Cusack

13. Do you know how to play poker? i know how to lose at poker. does that count?

14. What do you carry with you at all times? wit, sarcasm, charm, etc.

15. What do you miss most about being a kid? Kenner my imaginary friend.

16. Are you happy with your given name? i'm not a huge fan of my middle name, but I like the Brandon and the Green parts.

17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year? not enough. without the internet, i would be forced to experience the abyss that is my own life.

18. What color is your bedroom? this shitty looking blue color that my sister painted it.

19. What was the last song you were listening to? Ben Gibbard - the acoustic version of "Recycled Air"

20. Have you ever been in a play? yes, back in elementary school. i think i played the Captain of a ship in one of them. i was a cow in the other one. we did really fucked up plays in that school.

21. Have you ever been in love? unfortunately.

22. Do you talk a lot? only when someone wants me to shut up.

23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? fuck yes. i kick ass.

25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? most of the time.

26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends? neither.

27. What is your ideal marriage location? anywhere but in a church.

28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play? drums.

29. Favorite fabric? felt

30. Something you love and hate? my face.

31. What kind of bedding do you use? soft kind - usually from Pier 1.

32. Do you tell your friends about your sex life? that would require me to have a sex life in the first place. so, no.

33. What's the one language you want to learn? Japanese. cursing in English is losing its appeal.

34. How do you eat an apple? usually with my mouth. who writes these fucking questions?

35. What do you order at a bar? sunshine wheat or blue moon.

36. Have you ever pierced your body parts? nope.

37. Do you have tattoos? not yet.

39. Do you drive a stick? no.

40. What's one trait you hate in a person? ignorance.

41. What kind of watch do you wear? i buy lots of watches but never wear them.

43. Do you consider yourself materialistic? not if you don't count CDs and DVDs.

44. What do you cook the best? migas

45. Favorite writing instrument? wooden pencils. Jesus Christ, you really suck at writing questions.

46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? depends on how many shots i've done.

47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? probably.

48. What's one car you will never buy? Buick.

49. What kind of books do you like to read? anything that won't end up on Oprah's Book Club.

50. If you won the lottery, what would you do? lines of blow off of hooker's asses. i'd probably open up my boutique.

51. Burial or cremation? shot into space. nobody would visit my grave, so why have one?

52. How many online journals do you read regularly? way too many.

53. What's one thing you're a loser at? getting laid. i couldn't get laid in Singapore with a fist full of $20s.

54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it? playfully sarcastic and rude comments.

55. Do you cry in front of your friends? no.

56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people? what an immature asshole.

57. What's one thing you like to do alone? masturbation... actually, that isn't entirely true.

58. Are you a giver or a taker? Depends. if you're interested in sleeping with me, then i'm totally a giver. if not, then i'm pretty much a taker.

59. when's the last time you cried? i have no idea. two weeks ago or something like that.

60. Favorite communication method? smoke signlas

61. How many drinks before you're tipsy? depends. if you're interested in sleeping with me, zero. if not, 5 or 6.

62. Do you think you're cute? i'd fuck me. i guess that's a "yes."

63. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends? i tend to have more of a problem with keeping my clothes on in front of friends.

savage lies

2008-06-26T13:06:00.006-05:00

so i was listening to some archived Dan Savage podcasts this morning. one episode was dedicated to allowing his female listener to pass along what they wished they had known when they were 15 years old to the girls out there who actually are 15. most of it was your run-of-the-mill "just because a guy says he loves you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him" bullshit, but one of his reader's advice caught my attention.

"The outgoing, macho-acting, good-looking guys you're attracted to will treat you like crap. The quiet, nerdy, smart, and bookish guys you are not attracted to will treat you like gold. But you may have to seek and draw them out, as they are usually shy."

while this woman makes a relatively intelligent point, she still failed to add on one important footnote to her comment - "None of this really matters anyway because all of us still prefer to date douchebags, even though we are all now in our mid- to late-20s and we should know better."

i hate stuff like this because it's such bullshit. give this 25-year old₁ female, or any other one like her in the country, the choice between a loud, obnoxious asshole and an intelligent, normal guy and she will always take the former. "Hmm, this one reads in his spare time... but this one listens to Nickelback! I like him!" tell the girls the truth, lady - you only say shit like this in order to avoid sounding like a superficial whore. if you actually believed the bullshit coming out of your own mouth, then you wouldn't still be cruising The Library₂ for guys instead of looking for them in the actual motherfucking library!1

the saving grace to my rant is i know there are a small percentage of women out there who are the complete opposite of this woman and the women like her. so as the footnote below explains. this isn't a hate filled message directed at the female species - i am for a fact one of the few male feminist out there.

_{1. i am speaking about a specific type of woman not EVERY woman out there}

_{2. my non-Texas dwelling readers probably won't get this. The Library is an obnoxious trendy bar in Fort Worth. the bar itself is worse than it's non-creative name implies.}

telltale signs of a good night

2008-06-24T20:03:00.002-05:00

so to celebrate the complete craziness that started off my morning, i stopped off at the Liq-O-Rama and grabbed a couple of beverages.

in my previous post i offered for someone to come over and get drunk with me - well i couldn't wait i already started and it has started off right.

a quarter wheel of Graskaas

a bottle of Samuel Smiths's Nut Brown Ale

and a bottle of Samuel Smith's Oatmeal Stout

ACL 2008

2008-06-23T22:19:00.002-05:00

so as things may have it - i am going to end up with an extra 3-day pass to Austin City Limits.

i don't feel like selling it - the intention of my purchasing it was a gift. so if you are serious about wanting it email me. you don't even have to go with me or hang out with me - i just want to make sure it gets used and the person using it is going cause they want to experience some great music - not just to say they went to ACL.

wake me when it's over

2008-06-23T21:56:00.004-05:00

for lack of something better to do, i finally watched The Phantom of the Opera this weekend. i knew i was in trouble when the fucking drum machine kicked in during the chorus of the title song. i was able to endure about 45 minutes of the movie before the portion of my brain responsible for controlling emotions such as "dignity" and "self-respect" kicked in and forced me to go read instead.

this is exactly why Broadway musicals should not be turned into feature-length films. the resulting product always comes out trite and contrived. tis movie garnered a whopping 34% over at Rotten Tomatoes, which is usually warning enough to keep me away from films such as this. a few notable critics had the following things to say about this disaster:

"The big-screen rendition of The Phantom of the Opera resembles a ridiculously expensive installment of Masterpiece Theatre."

"Even the most die-hard "Phantom" aficionados might be struck dumb by the sheer level of the crescendo and camp Schumacher achieves here."

And my personal favorite:

"Lloyd Webber’s dated songs are like goth-lite for the Michael Bolton set."

the funny thing about all of this is that if you try to point out to someone who liked this film that it was actually a piece of over-stylized shit, they will most likely counter by saying that you simply do not appreciate musicals. thw logic in this claim is essentially the same as telling someone who hated the film Desperado that they just don't get Mexican culture.

people who actually classified this film as "true to the source material" don't understand the first fucking thing about theatre (the kinds with a curtain or the kind with a screen).₁ the only reason for Andrew Lloyd Webber's hefty bank accounts is due almost exclusively to the fact that this country is filled with people who think they know something about what qualifies as 'art.' truth is, crap like this is no better than professional wrestling.

_{1. i don't know the first thing about musicals, but i do know when i am talking with someone who has their head up their ass.}

highlight of my weekend

2008-06-23T17:21:00.000-05:00

walking into a tiny little resale shop by my moms house and finding these. if you remember my previous post about converting pyrex patterns to textiles - that is the same pattern from my first conversion. the photo is a casserole dish that i am excited about but didn't have a price - so it is being held for me until they can figure out the price.

you know how i know i am gay

2008-06-22T15:41:00.000-05:00

i just sat and watched Chasing Liberty on ABC Family

my chance encounter with a celebrity

2008-06-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

recently, i sat down with Joe Piscopo at his home in northern new jersey. upon entering his duplex, mr. Piscopo suckerpunched me in the gut and then jovially remarked that he was just "playin with me". Piscopo, 58, is most well known for being a cast member of SNL in the 1980's and for his breathtaking work in the 1992 soccer comedy "sidekicks"...i wanted to find out who the real Joe was, the man behind the fame. this is a transcript of our conversation.

myself -well first of all Joe, i'd like to thank you for sitting down with me.

Joe Piscopo-sorry, you have to stand.

b -uhh, ok. i guess i'll stand then.

jp-(chuckles) no i'm just kiddin’ with ya. i'm a total cut up.

me -great. well Joe, back in the early 1980's you got your start on SNL along side Eddie Murphy. you were most famous for playing Frank Sinatra. tell me, how were you able to masterfully impersonate the beloved national treasure?

jp-i slept with Nancy Reagan.

i -that's it??? you had intercourse with the first lady and that's how you figured out the Frank impersonation?

jp {jumps out of seat}

jp-hey!! come look at my work out gym place where i make my muscles big and not flexy!!!

Piscopo escorted me down to his basement where he showed me his bow-flex machine. the room smelled of urine and rotting fruit. he had pictures of himself on the walls standing next to Eddie Murphy but the faces of Murphy were violently cut out. Piscopo then told me of his days captaining the USS Saratoga. i was a little confused by this point given the fact that Piscopo had never even set foot on a naval battleship in his life. when he realized that i was catching on to his little white lie, he punched me in the face and i woke up in the dumpster next to Mr. T. i don't think Mr. T being there had anything to do with my run in with Piscopo....

some people

2008-06-19T10:23:00.000-05:00

i was at a bar recently ordering a drink. a man sidled up besides me to do the same thing. this guy looked like Rollie Fingers on a 2 month long meth binge (with handle bar mustache and all). he started talking to me about his beating of a roofing job and how he had to haul his ass up to McKinney the other day and so forth. i wasn't really paying attention. i wasn't paying attention until he pulled a week old kitten out of his shirt pocket and dropped it on the bar (all the while smoking and drinking cheap scotch). i said, "Jesus Fucking Christ that's a cat!!!" the drunken man replied, "i know i got it at the fair. i'm sure to rake in the ladies now'"

that was the saddest thing i have ever experienced in my life. that poor fucking cat, it doesn't even know how to order a drink!!!!!

We are intrepid. We carry on.

2008-06-17T22:38:00.000-05:00

yeah so i watched Elizabethtown again tonight - no it isn't a fantastic movie. actually most everyone i know hated it - but me - i connect with it. each time i watch it - something new is revealed to me.

tonight i just left work and came home with the intent of making a felt gun while watching it and nothing else. well watching that movie and writing an email. i have yet to write that email but it will happen after this.

those of you who regularly read this blog - know that at times i am introspective and others i am flat out ridiculous. well the complete and honest truth is - behind all the sarcasm and and the silliness are insecurities. i know this isn't a surprise to anyone but i felt that openly admitting it here - would be a good thing.

i haven't spoken to my father in 10 years - the last thing i said to him was "you know what, you're an asshole" and i hung up the phone.

that was it - that was the last thing he heard me say to him - i felt good when i did it - i was proud of myself - now - tonight - i am so ashamed.

i am no different than the man i had grown to hate - it's time to forgive and forget - i have made some of the same mistakes he has and you know what - he was a poor influence for me - but i think he deserves a second chance. from what my sisters tell me he really hasn't changed at all - but i am not going to let another day go by making him think i hate him and want nothing to do with him. everyday i look in the mirror and i see a spitting image of him - i can't erase my face - i am my fathers son and i am ready to embrace that.

the email i have to write isn't to him - he is going to get a phone call tomorrow p the email is for someone who is really awesome and who has disappointed me a little but - but i think i may have done my fair share of disappointing with them.

goodnight!

i'm alot like Friedrich Nietzsche but not really...

2008-06-17T10:17:00.000-05:00

for starters i wasn't born in the 1800's and secondly i'm not a famous philosopher nor did i not laugh when i read the title The Gay Science

but i am having a bit of problem with my existence. there's alot going on these days. there are things i love that are coming to end. decisions are being made. the people around me seem to be moving forward. or at least they're on one of those moving sidewalks you find at an airport and i'm just plain walking slowly. there's also kittens in a basket...okay the kittens had nothing to do with anything.

i woke up Monday feeling like loneliness puked on a dead end life. for the entire day it got me thinking about not the past but the future and the pursuits i wish to pursue. this thought of "why do we continue doing what we do" culminated in an email conversation with a really weird co-worker who emigrated from Mexico 5 years ago. i brought up the question of "why and what?" what is the meaning of it all and why does human kind strive for something? perhaps it's a means of distraction from the harsh ugliness of reality? perhaps its all part of something bigger than ourselves and if so, is it our own doing or is it the doing of something higher than ourselves? i know these questions seem like a cliché and guess what you're right. but they still beg to be asked.

anyhew

he responded with his own personal philosophy and it is this: i don't have the energy to ask these question and i don't care. i see belief and questioning existence as an asinine pursuit. i only care about the cold hard fact that stands before me. that doesn't mean i don't enjoy the things i do and enjoy creating it just means looking for what's underneath the surface is pointless because we'll never know and better yet, do we deserve to know?

that struck a chord with me. do what you do because you want to do it and don't waste your time questioning it...the answers may even come as you go. in other words (those words being corporate-speak) be proactive and not inactive.

after this email exchange i realized that that might be what i've been trying to do all along and didn't know. soon, hopefully, i'll be living on the other side of the planet. i've decided to do this because why the hell not...there's a cold hard fact in front of me and i've decided to use it and then cuddle with a basket of kittens

please note that some of the feelings in this post have been exaggerated to create a more dramatic tone

book reviews

2008-06-16T15:41:00.000-05:00

i was talking about some of my favorite books in a meeting earlier today and Jody asks me.
"what about books like Charlotte's Web and The DaVinci Code"
i replied
well i think Charlotte was a great spy and and The Davinci code is probably the best book about summer camps i have read"

after the confused look left the faces of the people in my meeting i promised them all full reviews of those two books - plus the classic The Merchant of Venice.

here are the reviews up. for the sake of literature

Charlotte’s Web
By EB White
this is a very, very dark and suspenseful psychological thriller about a femme fatale spy named Charlotte. growing up as a child, Charlotte was violated by a clown. the hate and anger that boils deep within her along with a bad haircut is the basis for her being the worlds most dangerous assassin…

the majority of the book takes place in Sao Paulo, Brazil where Charlotte is on assignment to assassinate the Prime Minister of Greenland where through a connection from her dark and disturbing past is a given a key that could unlock the puzzle which will unravel game which will untangle the web which will unfurl the secret to a government conspiracy that will change the lives of possibly 15 people forever.

it's truly a riveting book with many twists and turns and webs and other such things of that nature…although the ending is a bit confusing it has something to do with pink socks and aluminum siding it’s still a thrill ride you don’t want to miss.

The DaVinci Code
By Dan Brown
The DaVinci Code is an amazing, groundbreaking and controversial book. the story takes place on Wankatawanna Lake at Camp Mellencougar where a group of rag tag kids led by a slacker camp counselor are pitted against the rich kids camp across the lake in the annual Summer Fun-athlon and yell-off.

In order to save Camp Mellencougar from being torn down, Lance, Shawn, Cody, Fritoface and Squidlips have made a hastily thrown together wager against Reginald and Harrison, the villainous rich kids of Camp Wertilliger. if Camp Mellencougar wins the Summer Fun-athlon and yell-off, they get to keep the camp and Grandpa Sandpants, the loveable alcoholic owner of the camp finally gets that liver transplant he’s always wanted. and if Camp Wertilliger wins, the Mellencougar kids have to eat worms in front of the whoring and one-dimensional girls of Camp Lillyfoot

The DaVinci Code is really a hilarious, raunchy non-stop laugh riot. you not only learn a little something about yourself but you also get to learn how to hoist a fat kids underwear up the flag pole, hoist the gay kids underwear up the flag pole and how to love. in paperback now.

The Merchant of Venice
By William Shakespeare
don’t be fooled by the rocks that she’s got, she’s still she’s still Jenny from the block. that’s right, Jennifer Lopez, America’s favorite latina superstar and booty de-jour is at it again. J-Lo plays the character of Jessica Hernandez Consuela Jimenez Juarez Juarez, a posh yet down on her luck secretary that ends up in Venice somehow…

while in Venice, she falls in love w/ a merchant who is from Venice (hence the title of course). through a series of hilarious gags such as comically falling down on the runway to bumping into Burt Reynolds to crashing a boat into a nunnery in the famous waterways of the city of love to fucking a police officer in the neck, J-Lo wins our hearts once again.

the 1st half of the book is a little slow. for some reason they get into the technical aspects of reverse osmosis but, overall it’s a thrilling non-stop, breathtaking thrill ride that is breathtaking and a thrill ride.

job update

2008-06-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

so in my interview on Friday - i brought up Apple and how over the years they seemed to have really revolutionized marketing and advertising in the technology sector. i could sort of tell that this was bothering a few of the people from the company i was interviewing with - but i don't think they could really argue - well i just got off the phone with 3 members of the creative management team and one of those people was Ken Segall - who created the "Think Different" campaign for Apple in the late 90's early 00's.

so while i worried about digging myself into a hole - i think i might have actually stroked some important ego's. this makes me feel a little better about the whole thing.

busy week

2008-06-16T09:25:00.000-05:00

my week is turning out to be pretty busy and a large portion of it isn't related to my current job. i've been on the phone for over an hour working out all the details of some travel. my itinerary is set. Wednesday afternoon i am flying back down to Austin to meet with the technology company again. i have a small homework assignment to complete before the meeting. then Thursday morning i am flying up to NYC to meet with the agency that was mentioned before.

to be honest i am not really sure what to think about all of this happening so quickly and aggressively - but i think it's good.

i am in the studio most of the day today and i have store walk-through at lunch tomorrow. i don't know why but i get excited when i have crazy weeks like this.

one last thing before i close my eyes

2008-06-15T23:39:00.000-05:00

besides good food - amazing music - and lots of laughs - this weekend also provided me with some new sunglasses.

"I've just recently decided that the things we know aren't black and white."

2008-06-15T22:43:00.000-05:00

"Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks."

all of the sudden it seemed like a good night to watch Elizabethtown - don't know what it was that made me want to watch it - maybe the good music on the drive home - maybe it's cause i saw a guy at the truck stop that looked like Paul Schneider - whatever it is i am watching now as i work on stuff.

thank you to my friends who wished me a happy fathers day. you are awesome.

really great weekend

2008-06-15T16:53:00.000-05:00

so my weekend started off with me leaving Friday morning heading to Austin for a job interview. i was really nervous and unsure about the interview but once i got there and met the people my nerves were gone - i spent 3 or so hours with the group i feel pretty good about it. the position is sort of working with 2 companies. one an international technology company and the other a global advertising agency. the few things that i am unsure about as far as the position goes is how that is going to work - being a liaison of sorts between two companies. the main principal from the agency was unable to be there so i am going to meet with him and some of his team this Thursday. i am pretty excited about it. the technology company is going to have another phone interview with me on Tuesday to go over their thoughts on my portfolio. i am really looking forward to that critique.

my original intent of going to Austin was to go to the Mates of State show at Emo's. so once i was done with the interview i met up with my friend Jessica since we were going to the show together with 3 of her other friends - Tobi, Cody and Madelyn. i met them before the show and we had dinner a Maudie's and it was really good. then we headed downtown where the ROT Rally was going on and oh my god i have never seen so many motorcycles in my life. i would say i haven't seen that much leather either but i have had the misfortune of being on Hollywood Blvd. on Halloween night. anyhew. the show was amazing. probably the best Mates show i been to. there was some added instrumentation and the final encore song was a total crowd pleaser and was really exciting. the opening acts were Headlights and Black Joe Lewis. both bands were really awesome. i am not sure i have been to a show where the opening acts were all really good. so overall the entire shows was unbelievable. i also want to throw a shout out to my new friend Toby for buying and burning me a copy of the Headlights album. **sidenote** once Black Joe Lewis started playing i quickly realized that i actually had their album - so i am listening to them as i write this. Saturday Jessica's friends Cody and Madelyn were having a BBQ at their new home and that was also really fun.

it was really nice to hang out with some really fun people who i could be myself around and just have a nice time. all in all it was great weekend. i had a wonderful time in Austin with everyone and hope to do it again sometime soon.

my drive home was really relaxing with good music and non traffic at all - now i am waiting for my Rhys to wake up from his nap so we can go play - until he wakes up i am off to design him a new t-shirt.

Im mobile

2008-06-13T09:28:00.001-05:00

I am driving to Austin right now. I am so nervously excited I have stopped to pee 4 times already.

last minute change of plans

2008-06-12T21:31:00.000-05:00

okay so i am typically a stick to the plan kind of guy - but i have had my moments of complete spontaneity. well i was supposed to go to a HH and dinner with my PR girls, my media placement manager and our vendor who take care of all of our major product placement.

well as i was shopping for "stuff" i got a call from my mom asking me what Wilwo was - cause Rhys kept saying it. i couldn't figure it out at first but i kept hearing him say it in the background - the she told me that kept handed her a DVD case when he said it - i asked what DVD it was ans she said it was just a black case with plain white cover - and then it hit me - he is saying WILCO - i freaked out and got excited. i looked at the lady next to me cause i wanted to tell someone - she looked scary so i refrained - so i texted the first person i could think of - my new friend Jessica - it was a very proud dad moment for me.

anyhew back to point of this blog

i was so excited about hearing Rhys say Wilco that i decided to go see him and hang out with him and my 4 nephews. i got to my moms and the kids seemed a little stir crazy and said they wanted ice cream. well most who know me - know ice cream is the way to my heart - so i told everyone to get in and we are going to Milwaukee Joe's - they kids were like "what is Milwaukee Joe's?" - "only the best ice cream around here" - "we like chocolate ice cream from Wendy's".

sigh

really!?!

yeah so after arguing with kids ranging from 3 - 12 that "Frosties" are not ice cream - i gave in. so we went and had melty grossness of the Wendy's Frosty and then we went to the park for a bit and played - and then finished off the night with soccer and football in my mom's backyard.

i had an awesome time with them and it really made me happy. there is just something about being around kids and playing with them that makes me smile. i can't understand why people are annoyed by children. if i didn't have one of the coolest jobs in the world and i wasn't wanting to open a boutique somewhere - i would so be a Kindergarten teacher. i think it would be so rewarding.

oh yeah one more thing - - - - - i cut my hair

Onion Who?

2008-06-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

sure the The Onion is f'ing hilarious. everytime i read an issue, i laugh till i fall over in a puddle of my own sick but, there's another newspaper out there that in my humble opinion kicks The Onion in the jejunum....

and that newspaper is the The Weekly World News. The Onion is and claims to be a satirical newspaper with fake news. The Weekly World News on the other hand says to everyone that it's a legitimate news source. or at least they will not say that they are fake even though they are obviously full of the biggest pile of doo-doo in the media world. the reason that's so damned funny (and at this point i should expect you laughing till you fall over in a puddle of your own sick) is because for ages people have bought into the Weekly World News as being just a tabloid that reports on such breaking news as GAS MASKS PROTECT EMPLOYEES FROM DEPRESSION and the shocking discovery that MOSES WANDERED IN THE DESERT FOR FORTY YEARS: Because He Lost the Map! . we all know that this newspaper is fake and most of us accept and understand that. but, there are those few that go to the grocery store, walk by the magazine rack and are shocked to find out that THE MAN IN THE MOON IS A PEEPING TOM!.

and so therefore, The Weekly World News is the Andy Kaufman of the media.

NOTE: This was my college thesis in it's entirety...I got a C-

"Someday, Some Morning, Sometime"

2008-06-11T23:31:00.000-05:00

i bought new glasses tonight - well ordered them off the interweb

Someday some morning sometime, sometime..................

i have nothing witty to put here

2008-06-11T09:43:00.000-05:00

You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
Fill your heart with smoke

sigh

i wanted to have a really easy going peaceful night last night. i didn't get that at all. i went to run bleachers after work and ended up passing out and spending my night at the hospital. nothing really reminds you of how alone you are until your in a cold - stale hospital room with an IV and crazy beeping machines.

please don't misinterpret what i am saying - i am not complaining about being alone. that is my own choice. i just feel like there might be the potential for things to change for me in that dept. but then i get all the thoughts in my head that make me doubt everything.

i do all my talking to a blog so sometimes when i wish i could get a response back i just hear silence. again not trying to be a downer because i have an abundance of things to be thankful for. i think the last few days i have realized that maybe i am ready to take the next step in my life.

why am i at work right now? i think it is because this is my only comfort zone.

i am only sounding whiny right now so i am going to quit - shut my office door - create something.

Pyrex Love

2008-06-10T15:45:00.000-05:00

so i am working on this kind of big personal project. well i am working in it with Jessica so i don't want to sound like this is all me - cause it's not -it's a total group effort.

i am converting vintage pyrex pattrerns into vector art so that we can then imprint the patterns on textiles.

here is the first completed pattern - "Friendship" i am also including an image of the piece. each of the elements can be used to create different patterns. you will notice my bird isn't the same as the one you see in the photo - it is actually taken from the friendship pattern on the casserole dish

fucking theivery i tell you!!!!

2008-06-10T14:33:00.000-05:00

someone is stealing my X-Acto knives. it is making me furious a little - as much as i can possibly really get furious. i just wish the thief would ask me to buy them one - i don't mind.

so yeah i have done nothing productive today at all - well at least as it relates to my job - first off i had my tuesday meeting and this is the result of that meeting.

a really scary retarded looking owl

then i cam back and started my creative process for "Awesome Autumn" and somehow i ended up creating these guys.

i am thinking these need to be printed or something -HEY I KNOW - what about a cute little triptych?

Who bumped it up, bumped it up, bumped it, who?

2008-06-10T12:40:00.001-05:00

good morning blog - it's nice to see you today. sorry i didn't come say hello to you first thing this morning. i had a lot to say to you but i got distracted. then i went into my meeting and got into a really heated argument with a concept with my Creative Director - it took a thumb wrestling match to end it.

yeah so i talked to my friend Jessica last night before bed - i don't really know how long we talked - the conversation started in my office at work via GChat and then progessed to Meebo on my phone and then finally back to GChat at laying on my bed (with Lego sheeets) - i tried really hard to go to bed after we were done but i was just restless - to many thoughts in my head.

so i started digging through old blog posts here and then read my old livejournal - what i thought would make me sleepy only made me more awake. i finally had to make some hot lavender tea to help calm me. i made it to bed around 3:30.

sigh -

yeah i really do want to attempt to go to bed before midnight at least once this month.

anyhew

the whole point of me telling you about reading the stuff was to show off what i found in my old livejournal (besides a bunch of douchebaggery)

stumbling across this made me smile a little bit - it led me back to reading emails and archived gchats - which made me smile bigger - and tell myself that i do believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason. you can't change my mind on this. i think the proof is slowly beginning to become more evident.

sorry for all the post today - one more and i will be done

2008-06-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

i bought new pants!!! they are my summer wedding pants. i am pretty excited about them. the thing i am the most excited about is the pocket lining. i love it!!!! (see the last photo)

now i'm emotional.......

2008-06-09T18:26:00.000-05:00

....i don't know what it is. i must be a sadist or something - but yeah - i think it was me recounting the past year with my new friend Jessica yesterday that made me do it.

i went back to my blog to read what i wrote on my birthday weekend. i remembered that i was writing a lot of poetry around that time - i guess i was curious to revisit what was in my mind at the time. i didn't realize how lonely i really was at that point in my life - until just now. reading the poems about women who i only dreamed that existed.

then

i found this - and it all came rushing back - that weekend in Seattle - what i was feeling - what i know i needed to do - all the self doubt - EVERYTHING - it just rushed in and hit me in the face - this was written the day before i left everyone in Seattle and came home.

i should have stopped there - but i didn't i started reading more from that week (most of it is private since i made my blog pubic) - it just opened my eyes to the confusion and solitude - but this one really made me realize - that maybe hope isn't foolish.

blah - whatever - anyhew
.
.
.
.
.
.
someone sent me a text message cause someone who reads this told them what i was writing about - how is it that some people can be so self involved and clueless to how boring and sad their life really is - i don't get it.

reservations

2008-06-09T13:15:00.000-05:00

wow this day has been really stressful and overwhelming - but it really isn't getting to me. i am sitting outside of the Fort Worth Stockyards shooting my circus/fall carnival concept for early fall - it is just sort of nice right now off to the side of the shoot sitting on a hay bail typing out my blog. i sort of wish someone was here with me.

so on to the real reason for the blog - as i was traveling to the shoot one of my favorite songs shuffled through my iPod - "Reservations" by Wilco from the YHF album.

i love this song on so many levels. the composition of the music is just beautiful and the lyrics really tug at me - they way Tweedy sings this song just haunts my soul in a very special way. it hasn't shuffled through in a while and i am sort of glad it took a hiatus from showing up on my iPod - but now i don't mind so much.

i feel like i have a lot of things to say - well i know i have a lot of things to say and i have written a lot of things today in private blog entries. one part of my video blog from last night i said

"you know that blog post i made earlier in the week about driving home in the dark and Ryan Adams came on and i don't know for some reason at that moment the sunroof was open and i just felt like there was hope - well that is sort of where i am right now - like a continuation of hope - that feeling i had is being carried over to today -i don't know i'm happy - i mean i have been happy and things have been going really well, but it's like there is more - just - i'm just happy"

maybe i should post-it i don't know - what i do know is i feel like there is a shift in the wind. like all the pain and frustration is all going to make sense. but there is still that skeptic that lives inside of me - that part of me that just keeps me quiet and holds things in - is it fading? can it fade? what is this?

Oh I've got reservations about so many things....

Austin

2008-06-09T04:42:00.000-05:00

so i just got home from Austin. as you can see from the time stamp it is late. i made a video blog while i drove home but i sound like a retard so i don't think i am going to post it.

i am going to bed now - but i wanted you all to know that i am going to bed tonight feeling very happy.

YaY!

2008-06-07T14:22:00.001-05:00

wow i look like crap

what is wrong me?

2008-06-06T09:51:00.001-05:00

i have an immense desire to buy a sweater vest. there really is no reasoning behind it - i just really feel like i want to buy a really tacky sweater vest - maybe it is my recent nerdy hair crisis - i don't know.

i was supposed to leave work early yesterday and go to Austin to take my new friend Jessica to dinner but things got screwed up and i ended up having a chaotic day. so i was sad, stressed and excited all at the same time yesterday afternoon and it led me to creating a pretty cool initial Holiday design. my deadline was 8am this morning - i am happy to report that - for the first time in a long time, i actually hit a deadline.

i think this calls for a celebration!!!

i have also been working on a mix CD the past few days. i forgot how fun making mix-cd's are. for me it is special project. i pine over each and every song i pick cause if i am making a mix-cd it is for a pretty good reason. the song selections are complete and now i am working on the artwork. it really is super fun.

okay i am going to attempt to work on something now.

bye.

trying to decide if i should go see Joshua Radin

2008-06-03T20:10:00.000-05:00

so i have followed Joshua Radin since about 2003 - i saw him and Schuyler Fisk playing at Fitzgerald's in Huntington Beach i never really kept up with him much but a friend of mine Matt was a tour manager for a somewhat well known solo artist and would tell me if Joshua was playing somewhere close enough for me to make a road trip out of. so i have seen him about 6 times and everytime it has been good - the only time i really though the show lacked was when he was without Schuyler. well they are no longer together and i am not sure if i really want to see Vanessa Carlton - i know i can just skip out on it but i am sort of torn on this.

he is playing at The Parish in Austin on 7/18 and Palladium in Dallas on 7/19 and the Warehouse in Houston on 7/20 - so i covered on shows. it's just i have this gut feeling it isn't going to be as intimate and awesome as it once was.

listen to me i sound like a pretentious music snob.

psh. whatever - i'm going to go scan pitchfork. :P

new project

2008-06-03T16:46:00.000-05:00

so i really didn't want to be around the chaos and awkwardness that was going on in my office so i left for the day. my creativity had dissolved and i felt like doing something outside if the office. so i left and had lunch at the Modern and then went and started on a new project.

i did a post-it sketch in a meeting this morning that was based off of a conversation i had last week with a new friend. so i took the post it sketch and i am going to re-creatie in large format using different shades of paper with some of my favorite song lyrics printed on each piece.

i know it is hard to visualize now but when it is finally done i think it will be cool.

i am giving up on today.

2008-06-03T12:11:00.001-05:00

i am done with today - i am leaving work now and going into hiding.

free thoughts

2008-06-03T01:23:00.001-05:00

every human requires the basic necisities
to stay alive.

but what is the point of living
if you don't have someone to share those necisities with.

most people spend countless hours and resources
trying to find perfection

they busy themselves so much
that they never turn around to see the answer

we can research ever possible asset
to find the answer

but it was when i wasn't looking for an answer
that i stumbled upon a question

what happens when two questions converge
do they compete for the same answer

maybe that is what is wrong with all the answers
they are too busy trying to be the right one

the only stupid question
is the one that isn't asked

driving home

2008-06-02T22:26:00.000-05:00

sigh

i just changed my status on myspace to "contemplative" - i just got home and my drive home was good. i opened the sunroof and put on mix CD and put it on random. Goodnight Rose came on and i just started singing as loud as possible. as soon as it was over i just had this huge smile on my face. it felt nice. the open road dark and mysterious - that warm thick summer air that can only be felt in Texas, in my hair. i don't know what it is but listening to good music with my sunroof open while I poorly song along makes me hopeful that good things are still possible for me.

i don't know what it is - but the last few days i have started feeling differently. smiling a little bigger. i am probably crazy and just caught in a moment. i need to just be real with myself.